Well, it’s T-Minus two weeks and counting until the CBS golf season starts up, and once again the evil McCord and I will be doing late night shows on Thursday and Friday evenings for our first four weeks, starting in Phoenix.
Sadly, due to my partner’s new found success on the golf course, I fear we may have to take things considerably more seriously. No fart gags or blimp hijackings this year, now that I am working with one of the elder statesmen in golf.
Of course, if you believe that, you’re probably a wrestling fan and reading this by accident. No, you’ll be glad to hear that during the off season his weirdness bought a new home in Scottsdale with a huge back yard, complete with a concrete half pipe, which he has been using to get himself in shape for our grueling shooting schedule.
Each morning, after being beaten with a copy of GOLF Magazine by his lovely wife Diane, he smothers himself in Vaseline, skateboards naked for 40 minutes, and after four large wicker and oat-bran muffins and a quart of prune juice for breakfast, it’s off to Peter Kostis’s house to use the bathroom for an hour or so. After that it’s a brainstorming session with me and our Late Night Show producers, Jim ” don’t shout at me” Rikhoff and Chris “I don’t think you can say that” Svendsen.
So far we’ve come up with “Golf in the year 2100,” featuring Tiger Woods IV versus Davis Love VII in the final of the Lunar Matchplay Championship, where the sea of Tranquility is a lateral, and McCord is still calling the action, as he was cryogenically frozen 80 years earlier. Another frozen, hairless cat. Ha, ha.
There will be a “Who wants to be a billionaire?” feature, hopefully with Leslie Neilsen, and,”A morning in the life of a senior tour superstar,” where, with hidden cameras, we will follow McCord from the moment he opens his eyes until he has assembled himself into the vision of loveliness that we are used to. Historic, never before seen bathroom mirror footage of the mustache ritual, including the famous application of the Viagra powder to the tips, is what you can expect.
Hey, it’s after Letterman, so we figure we can do whatever we like, ‘cos you’ll all be asleep anyway.