Feherty's mailbag

Feherty’s mailbag

I was wondering if you had ever been considered or offered the lead analyst position after Venturi retired? I ask this because out of all of the golf commentators currently out there, you’re probably one of the most popular and well-liked of the bunch, and would think the bigwigs at CBS would also acknowledge this (if not, they don’t realize what an asset you are to them). Anyway, you’re good at what you do, and I’d like to see more of you in the future.
— Edge Lee, San Francisco

Dear Edge,

Thanks for your question, and while I have your ear, please tell Bono to lose those ghastly mauve shades. Love your riffs, man. In answer to your question, you probably have more chance of seeing a nude scene of Roma Downey in “Touched by an Angel” than me in the role of lead analyst at CBS golf. The 18th is kind of an ivory tower, you know? I mean, the man who sits up there can say what he wants, without fear of having someone take exception to his face. I’m down in the trenches with the players, often within punching distance, and it’s a testament to their good natures that none of them has head-butted me yet. If I had the artistic license afforded by the 18th tower, I’d be fired within minutes for telling the truth. In short, on the ground (or at least as low as possible) is probably where I belong.

Regards,
Dildonic Dave.

Booze and golf. Why is this such a great combo?
— Francisco, Caracas, Venezuela

Francisco,

If you have to ask why booze and golf make such a great combo, you need to drink more the next time you play.

You’re welcome, that’s what I’m here for.

When you turn 50, Are you going to join Gary McCord on the Champions Tour? Since he won, you should not have a problem notching a victory.
— Stephen Barrouquere, Metairie, La.

Stephen, I’d go out there and give it a go, but it’s not like the Champions Tour needs another angry old white man. I suspect I’d be as much help as a cat door on an elephant enclosure. However, obviously you are correct in your assumption that if McCord (who I suspect is gay) can win out there, so could I. Of course, I’m only 26, which would be a problem. I think they should introduce fighting (like in hockey) on both the LPGA and Senior Tours. Now that would be must-see TV. I might even watch.

Yours in desperation,
Father Dave.

Where and when was your favorite round of golf and what happened?
— Doug Warden, Redmond, WA

Doug, I don’t have a favorite round of golf, only a favorite scorecard. It hangs in my study as a monument to one of the worst hangovers I ever had. On the day before St. Patrick’s Day (Hey, we were only a few hours early) in 1991, I shot 61 in the third round of the Catalan Open, in Tarragona, Spain. I vomited twice during the round, and afterward had to burn everything I’d worn below the waist. Oh, happy days!

Bless you my son,
Reverend N. Ron Hubbard.

Do you have any tales about John Daly and Rich Beem? They’d make a great pair in the next Ryder Cup!
— Luke Burdess, London

Yes, indeed I do have stories about both Rich Beem and John Daly. Unfortunately, I don’t have any that are printable. The three of us will always be friends though, because we know so much about each other. Beemer and Johnny as Ryder Cup partners? In the fourball, I wouldn’t bet against them unless they were playing at a venue with a casino.

Eat my shorts,
Uncle Davey.

I really enjoyed your column in the November issue of GOLF MAGAZINE. Who do you think will be the first to win a major out of the new young guns on Tour?
Keith Bursey, Lynn, Ma

Keith,

I don’t care who wins anything at this time of the year. In fact, I hope Arnold Palmer is the next one to win a major. I’m going bird hunting, and dear God, I look the part. Cavalry twill duck-stalker with yak velvet earflaps, coke-bottle shooter’s goggles with laser homing device, twin bandolier cartridge straps crossing at the sternum, all trussed up by a rhino horn codpiece over full-length ditch waders with go-faster mudflaps on the wellies. I’m positively magnificent, and almost stone-f**king deaf. I’ve let loose about 8000 shells in the last week, preparing for some quail and chukar buggering with my son Rory. A 10-year-old with a single-shot 410 shotgun? I’m probably going to die.

Here’s looking up your nightdress,
Feherty.


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