Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

I have a daily calendar of “Amazing But True Golf Facts” on my desk at work. Interestingly enough, the entry for 11/25/04 (Thanksgiving) reads as follows: “The Turkish Tourism Office touts ‘the cradle of civilization’s exotic luxury golf’ being offered at affordable prices. One of the courses is a David Feherty design and is set within view of biblical landmarks, ancient ruins, and historic shrines. Festival activities range from yachting to ‘camel wrestling.’ ” After reading this tidbit, two questions came to mind:

1. Have you designed any courses here in the United States that may be a bit more accessible for us average folk?

2. How did you fare at camel wrestling?

I enjoy your work very much, both in broadcasting and in print. Thanks for the lighter side of golf.
— Mike Welch, Bradford, Pennsylvania

1. After seeing the designs I built over there, no American course would let me design their ladies locker room let alone their precious little golf courses. If you want to play one of my gems, which the Turkish liken to the work of Alistair MacKenzie, you’ll have to take a camel to where ever the hell those biblical landmarks and ancient ruins are. Actually, the whole back nine is now officially an ancient ruin.

2. Camels do some things really well but they can be annoying to wrestle. First of all, they spit a lot. Then they tend to view their opponent as an object of which they feel compelled to gain carnal knowledge, all of which is very disconcerting. Once they’ve covered you in expectorant, they get a little frisky. To answer your question, I lost the match but won a friend for life. He still writes me during Ramadan.

I just finished reading your thoroughly enjoyable tome about the history of the Ryder Cup. The book was not only educational and entertaining, it added muscle tone each time I carried it from the coffee table to the bathroom. I did notice that counting the book’s front and back coverleafs, as well as spine, your name appears no fewer than eight times. Is this what they mean by subliminal advertising? Keep up the great work.
— Mark L., Houston, Texas

Nothing subliminal about it. It’s as in your face as we could make it. I wanted to insert one of those pop-up cardboard cutouts of me that jump out when you open the book or at the least, offer a pullout, life-size foam board likeness of me, but they said the damn thing weighed enough as it was.

Who’s this “Fat Person” to whom you dedicated your Ryder Cup book?
— J. Bowen

His name is Jimmy McGovern, and I love the fat bastard even though I’ve never met him. I offered to dedicate the book to anyone who would pony up $50,000 for the privilege and this bozo bit. I couldn’t believe somebody would be that stupid, but I jumped all over the dough. By the way J., in case you’re interested, I’ve a new book coming out sometime this spring. I have a few prime positions available. Let me know.

Where do you hide your single malt while “walking the course” commenting on TV? You have so much gear on you look like the PGA marching band.
— Bobby K., New York City

The earpiece I wear is actually a flask. I am able to suck the nectar through the mouthpiece. It’s beautiful. If you think I look ridiculous, you should see Kostis when he puts his gear on naked, which he usually does in his room while he waits for the room service guy to get there. Then he doesn’t have to tip.

Some of our favorite golf celebrities post their schedules for the new year around this time, and I was wondering if you would/could post yours. Just wondering if your work/speaking/charity schedule will be bringing you to the greater Toronto area in 2005. All the best to you and yours for a happy, healthy, holiday season! BTW, any resolutions for the new year?
— Rebecca Brydges

Only one resolution: Try to stay the hell out of the Toronto area in 2005! That way I’ll probably only be there about a dozen times. Most of the gigs I do are booked by my useless and unbelievably obtuse agent, Barnaby Turdlington. I don’t where I’ll be tomorrow, let alone 6 months from now. Besides, my shtick is a little rough for the distaff side of the house. But you’re welcome to come if I’m in town provided you pay the freight for the charitable cause. As for now I don’t have a web site with my schedule. Perhaps I should consider it.

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