Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

I have never read your column. However, my husband does refer to me as “she who must be obeyed,” so I am enamored by your wisdom. I have a question. Why is it that my husband watches a golf tournament, videotapes the same golf tournament, watches TV highlights of that golf tournament later that evening and then reads about that same golf tournament in the newspaper the next day? This is a consistent pattern of behavior that happens not only for the majors, but most golf tournaments. Does this make any sense? Did he not “get” it the first time? Why spend time watching highlights about something you already saw? Why read about something you saw and also videotaped so you could see it again? Is there something wrong with my husband? Should I have his brain comprehension tested by a professional? If you have any insight into this behavior I’d be forever grateful.
— Respectfully,
“She who must be obeyed #2”, La Jolla, California

Well diagnosed, my good woman! And thank you for not reading. You are a paragon of perception in a veritable sea of imbeciles. What has happened here is that your erstwhile mate has supplanted sex with golf. My guess is he is around 46 years old. This is the age when men find their primal urges declining for reasons they don’t really understand. As their desire wanes, they replace it with complicated substitutes that require vast amounts of close study. The reason golf is so attractive at this stage is it may be the only sport left in which they can actually compete with any sense of accomplishment, unlike say, tantric sex. That’s because golf is not really a sport and just about any dolt who can fall down a flight of steps drunk can achieve some semblance of expertise.

My advice to you is to rekindle his basic instincts in his once thriving libido. Get a hold of some steaming hot lingerie, set up a video camera, film the dastardly act then write up a report detailing his performance (this part may require some clever editing). Then in the morning before he gets up, no pun intended, have it ready for him to read at the breakfast table. Then set up the video to play when he turns on The Golf Channel when he gets home at night. I predict that in no time at all, our boy’ll be bursting through the door, ravishing you with astonishing regularity. Oh, he’ll still watch all that golf too, but I suspect at that point, you’ll be grateful for the break.

With the NHL strike still unresolved, I wonder, what would aggravate PGA Tour golfers enough to go on strike? Who would cross the picket line?
— Kim Geikie, New Brunswick, Canada

Not to put too fine a point on it, because the result’s the same, but it’s a lockout, not a strike. Tour players could withhold their labor for any number of reasons. The ones that come to mind are: the free food at the country club they are playing that week was not as hot as it should have been; an equipment manufacturer tried to invoice them for a club, a pair of shoes, a glove, a shirt, rain gear, a bag, pants, a belt, a visor, or a Rolex; their courtesy car didn’t have a GPS system on it and/or the gas tank wasn’t completely full, the tournament group refused their request for 400 clubhouse badges, preferred parking and skybox access for their manager’s or their caddie’s first wife.

The second question should be, who would be on the picket line?

It dropped into the low 30s today on Hilton Head Island … very unusual. I have several friends who REFUSE to play golf anytime it is not 70 and sunny. I say strap on the bag, pull on the gloves, and get out there. What is your limit for playing in cold weather?
— D. Moore, Hilton Head Island, South Carolina

Dinty: (I assume that’s your name)

Half a bottle of Bushmills.

My father and I and some of our degenerate golf buddies are planning a trip to Scotland next summer (St. Andrews, Prestwick, Troon, Turnberry, etc.). My father said that while he was still vertical it might be a good idea to get in a few rounds (golf, not Guinness, David) in Ireland while we are in that part of the world. I might be able to get two or three days of golf in prior to Scotland. Any suggestions? I was thinking about Old Head, but it seems that most of the other great golf courses I’d want to play are on the West Coast. Or I could just go to Dublin and work my way from pub to pub trying to discern who has the freshest Guinness. Please let me know your recommendations.
— T. O’Connor Johnson, Richmond, Virginia

If you’ve only got two or three days stick to the Dublin area. Old Head’s down in Kinsale and it’s the only course of any repute in the area. Actually the golf course itself isn’t great, but the vistas are stunning. And you know what they say: Old Head is better than no head. Play Royal Dublin, County Louth and Portmarnock in the Dublin area. The beauty of this plan is the reduced travel time, which allows for more consumption of the finest adult beverages in the world.

Recently, pgatour.com did a match up of well-known golfers who looked like well-known celebrities …. Phil Mickelson – Hugh Grant, etc. I was wondering who you thought you looked like (with goatee). My first thoughts included that Katsumoto guy from “Last Samurai” (Ken Wantanabe) or the other end of Mr. Ed. Since you never answer my emails, I’ll assume, in advance, I’m being insulted.
— Bob-Rob, Algonquin, Illinois

Bob-Rob — do you make your friends call you that?

I would never insult you in advance. I prefer to insult you in real time you steaming pile of French pig waste. How’s that?

By the way, I happen to be a dead ringer for Brad Pitt. My friends tell me this all the time.

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