The Alternative Ending

The Alternative Ending

Just like the latest DVDs, David Feherty’s shocking cliffhanger of a September “Sidespin” column could spin off several endings. Here’s one — from the late-night musings of FrankenFeherty himself.

There they stood; straight as ramrods, eyes focused, abs twitching, The Stepford Golfers. Tiger went to the stair climber, Annika to the military press and Sergio to the fridge for a Michelob Ultra. The tension grew thicker than Lumpy’s midriff.

Sergio: “Can anybody get in this game or do I have to piss and moan about being mistreated?”

Vijay: “Depends; are you going to blame your caddy if you lose? Hey, Annika, how about fixing me a ham sandwich and opening a beer for me? And as long as you’re up, see if you can find the England-Fiji cricket match on the satellite dish.”

Annika: “Hey Vij, how ’bout you spend a few bucks and get rid of that big toe on your forehead?”

Phil: “Hey, anybody seen my green jacket? I had it when I came in.”

Something begins to stir under Herron’s stomach. The movement travels under his skin toward his throat and as his mouth opens, a slime-covered, sharp-toothed miniature Steve Williams emerges, hissing and spitting phlegm all over the trailer. The alien serpent-caddy begins attacking everyone in sight.

Just when it looks as though all is lost, Butch Harmon bursts through the door. He has a Winn-gripped Medicus perfectly gripped in his pudgy little hands and he swings with deadly accuracy at the Williams thing. A sickening thud, followed by another and yet another. Oh, the humanity! God, his grip is perfect with those gloves. The Williams thing now lying on the floor, oozing Fosters, making one last weak attempt at confiscating Ernie’s camera, then collapsing, spent and lifeless.

Tiger and Butch exchange meaningful gazes, held just a hair too long. Woods even allows a small, toothy grin then quickly averts his eyes as Butch is obviously welling up. The two embrace and shouts of “Huzzah!” resound from the entire group. Retief and Ernie sit back down to finish lunch, so overcome with emotion they both forgot the mayo on their sandwich. Phil locates his jacket, Vijay is on the phone, discussing options with his orthodontist about his overbite, Annika is weighing offers to enter the men’s final at Wimbledon, and Tiger and Butch are planning a cruise to the Balkans.

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