The 1st Annual (sort of!) David Feherty Golden Ferrets

The 1st Annual (sort of!) David Feherty Golden Ferrets

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<p>This will be Woods's last event before the Masters in two weeks.</p><p><strong>More Photo Galleries of Tiger Woods</strong><br /> &bull; <a href="http://www.golf.com/golf/gallery/article/0,28242,1636961,00.html">Tiger and Elin's New Baby</a><br /> &bull; <a href="http://www.golf.com/golf/gallery/article/0,28242,1648070,00.html">Tiger's Life in Pictures</a><br /> &bull; <a href="http://www.golf.com/golf/gallery/article/0,28242,1881733,00.html">Tiger's Swing Sequence</a><br /> &bull; <a href="http://www.golf.com/golf/gallery/article/0,28242,1873482,00.html">Tiger on the Cover of <i>Sports Illustrated</i></a></p><p>
Fred Vuich/SI

For the record, I used to present the Ferrets every year on the
CBS late-night highlights
show from Firestone.

Ernie Els won the Golden
Ferret in our fourth year, and
in a memorable bedtime scene
that we shot in his hotel room,
the great South African cuddled
up with the varmint on one side
and the Open Championship
trophy on the other, and uttered
the immortal, “Good night,
Claret … Good night, ferret,” before
he turned out the light. It was TV
magic, and it was cancelled.

This
time, however, it’s going to stick!
(Or at least that’s what the idiots
at this magazine tell me.) For the
sake of history, reality, and social
anthropology, I divvied up some of
the awards into two categories:
one for able-bodied homo erecti,
and the other for the currently
crippled, non-carbon-based life
form known as T. Woods.

PLAYER OF THE
YEAR FERRET

Alien Division: T. (Win One for the
Gimper) Woods.

Homo Erectile Division: Padraig Harrington.
Goes without saying, he’s
won three of the last six
majors, almost in alien style.
He was a thoroughbred
Irish stallion coming
down the final stretch.
Big Green, if you like.

Honorable mention (Resident Alien Division): Me. I didn’t
make a bogey all year.
Never hit a shot, either.

The Player of the Year
Ferret (Under 25):
If we’re talking age,
Anthony Kim, no
contest. If it’s a sperm
count, Gary McCord.

The Player of the Year
Ferret (Over 40):
Again,
if we’re talking age, uh…let
me think…Vijay Singh.
If it’s an IQ score, he
doesn’t qualify.

COMEBACK OF THE
YEAR FERRET

Alien Division: Technically speaking, you
have to have been away to
come back, but once again,
T. (Hoppy) Woods.

Homo Erectile Division (Three-way tie): Dudley
Hart, who because of
his wife Suzanne’s lung
tumor, had to take months
off to look after his triplets
and needed to win about
$500,000 just to keep
his card. He did a whole
lot better than that.

Scott
McCarron, after sliding
off the radar for a few years,
came back strongly, almost
winning at Greensboro.

Rocco Mediate, who
scored points in every
category, including fashion,
is now wearing pants made
from about a quarter of the
material he used a season
ago. Last year, he could
have rigged an America’s
Cup yacht and had enough
left over to mummify Bob
Barker.

All three of these
players are great guys, and
showed great courage to do
what they did this year.

INTESTINAL FERRET(UDE)
Alien Division: Smelldrick Woods. At
the Buick Open in San
Diego, Tiger devastated the
field (and this announcer)
with the most difficult of all
flatulizations, a perfectly
executed triple flirter
(degree of difficulty: 5.8)
in the full tuck position. It
was a harbinger of things to
come, taking the wind out
of the rest of the field, with
whom, for want of a better
expression, he wiped the
joint up.

Homo Erectile Division: Steve Williams. On links
courses, Williams has been
known to inadvertently
run a supertanker aground,
such is the strength and
cathedral organ-like
frequency of his bunghorn.

In a supreme act of anal
ventriloquism, I once saw
him throw a fart to the
very underpants of the
walking scorer, who was so
gobsmacked that he actually
apologized! Trust me on
this one — world, Olympic,
or extraterrestrial — Stevie
Williams has no peers.

HAUTE COUTURE FERRET
Alien and Homo Erectile
Divisions:
Camilo
Villegas, who could
wear my grandad’s long
underwear with the
18-wheeler skidmarks on
the trap door and still look
like a Calvin Klein model.
Damn his darkly handsome,
sinuous and swinely self!

SHOT OF THE YEAR FERRET
Alien Division: T. (Suck On That One)
Woods, for the putt he
made on the 72nd hole at
the U.S. Open. And yes, I
did know he was going to
make it. It’s what he does.

Homo Erectile Division: Paddy Harrington’s
5-wood to four feet on the
71st hole of the British
Open. It was bold and
unwavering, like me at
a Pizza Hut buffet.

MOONSHINE FERRET (Top redneck other than
John Daly, or excellence in
not giving a crap)

A tough one here. Bubba
Watson excelled in the golf
equivalent of road rage and
general homicidal attitude,
but Boo Weekley gets by
him due to the quality of
his play, the fact that he’s as
funny as Larry the Cable
Guy, and that the Ryder Cup
interfered with his dove-hunting
season.

Also, his
consumption of chewing
tobacco was enough to
make the entire population
of China blow chunks,
which is a magnificent
achievement, considering
the air they have to breathe.

STUPIDEST COMMENT FERRET
Bobby Clampett, at the
Wyndham Championship,
who said, “The wind is
blowing from 10 past three,”
which reduced the rest of
the CBS crew to stunned
silence and locked up
Gary McCord’s brain for
almost an hour.

IDIOT FERRET
A tie between Clampett
and McCord. Too many
instances to include.

ABE LINCOLN FERRET (Most honest)
Homo Erectile Division: On the final nine at the
Zurich in New Orleans,
Woody Austin hurled
all over his shirt, which
fortunately was so awful
that no one noticed the
stains. Woodrow might be
totally unspooled at times,
but if he screws up he will
always put his hand in the
air afterward.

Amateur Division: The
young amateur Michael
Thompson, who called
a penalty on himself on
his way to the medal at
the Masters. No one other
than Thompson could have
known about the infraction
(his ball moved slightly
as he addressed a birdie
putt on the 15th green),
and in calling it he gave
away possibly the most
precious prize in the
amateur game. In my book,
that’s a sporting hero.

GLACIER FERRET (Slowest player)
Ziggy, my beagle. Dear
god, unless there’s a
rabbit involved it’s
like watching the
Westminster Dog Show
on the Konica Minolta
Bizhub Swingvision
camera. It takes him
15 minutes to snap off a
link, and the last bird
he picked up was
Kentucky Fried, off the
floor of my F-150.

SCARLET BLISTER FERRET (Most psychotic range rat)
Vijay Singh removed more
acreage than the next closest
player owns in real estate.

DID THE MOST FOR THE GAME FERRET
Me. Again because I never
hit a shot.

DENTED SOFA FERRET (Least practice)
As ever, Carlos Franco,
who got so winded after his
first practice swing that he
had to sit down for the first
six weeks of the season.

FUNNIEST LINE FERRET
Colin Montgomerie. I
have no idea what it was,
but I guarantee he wasn’t
trying to be funny.

FUNNIEST MOMENT FERRET
Vijay Singh winning the
FedEx Cup by finishing
T44 at the BMW, before
the Tour Championship
was even played. Cracked
me up it did.


STUPIDEST QUOTE FERRET
Initially I thought this was
Bubba Watson when
he said, “Anyone can win
a tournament, but not
everyone can hit it long.”
But after spending a while
thinking about it, I thought,
actually, wait a minute, he might be right. I’m still not
sure whether it’s brilliant or
ridiculous, but I like it.

BEST CADDIE FERRET
Bones. His relationship
with Phil is simple — they’re
best friends, but to the
average observer at any
given moment, he could
be a caddie, parole officer,
psychiatrist, fellow mental
patient, dream-catcher,
bodyguard, brain masseur,
and finally just like the
rest of us, a bewildered
spectator. If you can caddie
for Phil, you are probably
overqualified to be President
of the United States. Now,
wouldn’t it be nice to finally
have one like that?

GOLDEN SKUNK FERRET (Unluckiest player)
Sergio Garcia. I don’t
care what anyone thinks,
I’m a believer. He may
not be tactful, but he’s
honest about how he feels
and says very little that
isn’t actually true. Like
Ballesteros and Olazabal
before him, he has the fire
in his heart. He will
win more than one
big one. I like him
as a person, and
I love to watch
him play.
So there.

PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO MARRY A PORN STAR FERRET
I think a few wives ago John
Daly already did. Or maybe
not. I don’t remember — I was drinking at the time, too.

PLAYER WHO SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER BECOMING A RODEO CLOWN FERRET
He shouldn’t quit
because he can really
play, but Tim
Herron would
make a great
rodeo clown,
with a barrel around him and all that.
And come to think of it, Rory
Sabbattini would be a terrific
Mexican fighting bull.

PLAYER/BUREAUCRAT WHO MAKES ME WISH ONE OF THOSE VEHICLES HAD KILLED ME FERRET
Carolyn Bivens, the
LPGA czar who demanded
that her players bone up
on their English. Trust
me, I’d like some of the
Americans on both Tours
to take a shot at learning
English, too, but unless I
missed the CBS Evening
News last night, and we
were overrun by Red China,
this is still America.

LE FERRET D’OR (THE GOLDEN FERRET)
Camilo Villegas takes home this most coveted of Ferrets, which goes to the player
whom I have most enjoyed watching, and
whose success or failure has given me the
most pleasure.

First off, I like him, and more
to the point, I like the crowd that watches him.
In all my years in golf, I have never witnessed
anyone who attracts more women in heat
than this young Colombian.

Villegas and Anthony Kim are the two most
exciting young players I’ve seen for many
years. Tiger has been out for a while now, and
while the game is certainly better with him
around, if nothing else, these last few months
have shown us how good the rest of these guys
are. I’m going to keep watching.