Why Your Favorite Player Won't Win the U.S. Open at Oakmont

Why Your Favorite Player Won’t Win the U.S. Open at Oakmont

Jordan Spieth (left), and Rory McIlroy (right ... duh) won't win the U.S. Open no matter how much you love them.
2016 Chris Condon/PGA TOUR

Who’s not going to win the Open? Everybody, except whoever does win it. Here’s a quick look at why they won’t win… unless they do.

Jordan Spieth

Young Tex has turned into The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight with his driver. That’s not gonna work at Oakmont, where the rough is deeper than Philosophy 303 at Bryn Mawr.

Jason Day

An Aussie hasn’t won the U.S. Open since Greg Norman shot… no, wait. The last Aussie winner was Geoff Ogilvy in 2006 at Winged Foot, where Phil Mickelson and Colin Montgomerie conspired to hand it to him. Monty’s not playing. Therefore, Day can’t win.

Rory McIlroy

Oakmont is the hardest Open track and Rory’s majors have come at most of the major sites with easy scoring conditions—Congressional, the Ocean Course, Valhalla and Royal Liverpool. Oakmont might be easier with soft greens, due to forecast rain, but it’ll never be easy. Sorry, Rors.

Danny Willett

Who wins the Masters and the U.S. Open the same year? Only six players, among them Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer and Ben Hogan. Pretty sure Dan-O isn’t them. Nice player, though.

Rickie Fowler

Orange is the new Missed Cut. Dang.

Bubba Watson 

The Open is about discipline, patience, strategy—OMG Bubba just dropped an L-wedge shot onto the back of a dump truck going by on the Pennsylvania Turnpike! Never mind.

GOLF’s 2016 U.S. Open Hub: Everything You Need for Oakmont

Angel Cabrera

Sorry, no smoking allowed at Oakmont. He’s out.

Phil Mickelson

Bad karma haunts Phil after whining about how the big mean rough hurt his widdle wrist in ’07. Awww.

Jim Furyk

He coulda-shoulda won the ’07 Open here and he’s originally a Pittsburgh yinzer-guy who loves da Stillers. Oakmont doesn’t do encores.

Justin Rose

A rose could never grow in Oakmont’s rough.

Ernie Els

The Young Ernie who won here in ’94 was a wonderfully fluid putter, beautiful to watch. The Old Ernie’s stroke? Eh, not so much.

Dustin Johnson

Some time during the week, he’s going to try to cross the Pennsylvania Turnpike without using the bridge. He’s quick but…

Adam Scott

Caddie Stevie Williams is way over his quota of major championships. Way over.

Henrik Stenson

No Swede has ever won a major. But that’s not counting The Swedish Chef or any Muppet majors.

Patrick Reed

He’s just too popular.

Kevin Na

If he faces off with Ben An in a playoff, it’ll be the shortest palindrome in U.S. Open history. Won’t happen.

Sergio Garcia

He thinks the gods of golf are out to get him. He’s right. They are. At least until he makes a burnt offering.

Anthony Kim

Ten million reasons to never play tournament golf again.

Matt Kuchar

When they hold a Ping-Pong tournament at Oakmont, he’s your guy. A U.S. Open? Nope.

Kiradech Aphibarnrat

He is ineligible because his name will not fit on the trophy. Also, auto-correct keeps misspelling it.

Tiger Woods

Nice try.