ClubProGuy Explains How to Survive the Golf Offseason

February 2, 2016

ClubProGuy doesn’t speak for all club professionals. He just thinks he does. When he isn’t botching sock inventory, napping in his office or otherwise underachieving at his Kansas City-area club, he spends much of his time downing Irish coffees and musing on Twitter not only about his profession but also about the minutiae of golf club culture, in startlingly honest fashion.

His credentials aren’t exactly exceptional—“Mexican mini-tour legend,” reads his Twitter profile—but CPG’s straight-talking style does stand out in the buttoned-up world of private clubs. Which got us thinking: We need to get some of your questions in front of the guy. So that’s what we did, in the inaugural mailbag session below. For more wisdom from CPG or to hit him up with questions for a future mailbag, visit him on Twitter at @ClubProGuy.

Dear CPG, It’s the dead of winter and the pros at my club act all busy when I walk in the shop. What gives? Are you guys actually working? Pete W. — Mt. Horeb, Wisc.

Yes and no. When the weather gets frightful, we just take longer to do stuff so it appears that we’re super-busy. Just this morning a member walked in for a standard re-grip on his ball retriever and I told him he could pick it up in 10-14 days. When he pushed back, I delved into a lengthy explanation of how swamped I was between designing our new Lynx concept shop and negotiating with Molitor Golf for our pre-owned range ball order. After he left, I spent the remainder of the morning on Tinder and made it to the local casino by noon. 

CPG, As one of your fellow club pros, I find the annual PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando to be an invaluable resource. Would you agree? — Steven H., Newport, R.I.

If your definition of “invaluable” is nursing daily hangovers and steering clear of anyone hawking magnetic copper bracelets, then sure. Other than that, it’s five nights of cheap steaks and strip clubs for this guy. My members think I attend the Show to find unique tee-gift ideas for upcoming club tournaments. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but it’s going to be crested sweater vests and faux leather valuables pouches once again this year. 

Yo, CPG — I think the virtual lessons on your YouTube Channel are “must-see” Internet TV.  Do you have anything new planned for this winter? — Hermann G., Cologne, Germany

Thanks, Herm. I’m blessed to have a YouTube channel because it helps me share my vast knowledge of the game with golfers across the globe. I was so proud that my most recent virtual lesson, “16 Swing Thoughts from Transition to Impact,” received 67 views – all 4 hours and 47 minutes of it. I also have a Total Game Improvement series set to launch with timeless lessons such as: “Green Reading for Dummies (Yes, I’m Talking to You),” “Rabbit Ears: The Art of Effectively Blaming Bad Shots on Distant Noises,” and “‘The Grain Grabbed It,’ and 14 Other Killer Excuses for Blowing a Three-Footer.”

Dear CPG — I’m thinking about sending my teenage son to your golf camp but have heard other parents complain about your unorthodox curriculum and teaching methods. Should I be concerned? — Kristin B., Sante Fe, N.M.

Not at all. My camp best prepares young people not only for the game of golf but also for the game of life. How many junior camps do you know that teach the art of the knockdown shot in the morning and the art of the double press in the afternoon? Where else can your kid learn how to avoid triple bogeys while learning how to savor triple malts? And as far as I know, it’s the only golf camp where kids learn how to set up a high draw, but also a highly lucrative DraftKings account. I look forward to meeting your son in June.

CPG, I’m nearing retirement and considering becoming a course marshal. What are your thoughts? — Myron Y., Enid, Okla.

Not to burst your bubble, Myron, but unless you’re a disgruntled middle manager or high school assistant principal, I doubt you’re cut out for it. At our club, we only hire marshals who are prickly and power hungry. Bill Belichick wouldn’t make it past a phone interview. Any marshal can lock the cart brake in your backswing or cluelessly wander by your field of vision during a key putt, but it takes a special breed to berate a foursome for unwittingly breaking the 90-degree rule. Or to assault a charity-outing organizer for smuggling in beer from off property. You seem like a nice guy, though. Have you considered greeting customers at Walmart instead?