Victor Juhasz
By David Feherty
Friday, July 10, 2009

I used to think it was just me, but now I'm convinced the whole world has gone mad. The SEC sent Martha Stewart to jail for 45k but whiffed on Bernie Madoff. Then they dragged their feet on the A-Hole Stanford case for a couple of years, until the Madoff allegations forced their hand. I am no fiscal expert, but it seems to me that the SEC should stick to college football, where at least they know their ass from their elbow. Roll Tide!

\nAnd then of course there is Barney Frank, one of the geniuses who got America into this pile of doo-doo in the first place. Frank was outraged about Northern Trust's L.A. Open guest entertainment expenditure, saying that any financial institution that receives any of the taxpayer's bailout money shouldn't be allowed to sponsor golf tournaments. Further, said the Fartwad, they should give the money back. Presumably the sick and underprivileged children who benefited from the Northern Trust L.A. Open should cough up their share too, the rotten little bastards. It seems that rather than drug-testing athletes, it's about time we made senators and congressmen pee in a cup. That annoying little turd Henry Waxman spent time and who knows how much money to determine if Roger Clemens had lied under oath about shooting his shoulder up with jumbo juice. Gee, I don't know Henry, the man is 46 years old and has been throwing a ball at 96 mph for 25 years. Who you gonna believe? Yeah, that's a real stumper, Henry.

\nI wouldn't mind so much if government was filled with paragons of virtue, or for that matter, even taxpaying citizens. My standards aren't that high, but it's a generally accepted fact that politicians are by and large a bunch of otherwise unemployable, worthless d-bags, and they haven't done much lately to prove otherwise. We're still in the middle of spending millions to investigate Barry Bonds and other baseball players. So all of you on Capitol Hill, listen up! A bunch of them did the stuff, okay? These hearings are a smokescreen that obscures more important drug issues like nicotine and alcohol, which cause diseases that kill hundreds of thousands and drain billions of dollars from our health care system. Let's spend the money on stuff like that, rather than congressional hearings on steroid abuse and HGH, drugs that kill a couple of hundred stupid people a year.

\nSpeaking of stupid, back to the SEC. I feel bad about the Sir A-hole Stanford affair because a few years ago I was asked by someone close to the dirtbag which player they should choose to sponsor. They had already signed Vijay, and I told them they'd be out of their minds not to sign Camilo Villegas. This was good advice, which they followed. Camilo is a friend of mine (I think) and I hope he wasn't too heavily invested with this pus-filled goiter of a man, who, along with Burn-in-Hell Madoff, has joined the category of infamous subhumans. They are oxygen thieves and wastes of human skin who shouldn't be allowed to live on our planet.

Camilo Villegas and the other Tour players involved with Stanford will be okay. They will make more money, and in doing so generate more money for charity, because when it comes down to it, that is what the PGA Tour does. Companies like Northern Trust and Wachovia and Citigroup choose golf as a vehicle to entertain clients because it is a sport that gives back so much to the local communities in which the tournaments are held. This is both good business and good PR. Despite the worst economic climate in decades, the PGA Tour will give more than $100 million to charity this year. Hey, Barney! Should we calculate how much of that is generated by institutions that received bailout money and give it back to you? With the track record your institution has on corruption and spending money on worthless crap, let's hope no one entertains that thought.

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