Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I was thinking about who might replace PGA Tour Commish Tim Finchem if he finally snapped, took his $4 billion pension and walked out in a huff. Here are my top 10(ish) candidates

1. Snoop Dogg He's into golf these days, and on the shizzle side he'd certainly introduce a beverage and booty cart. Maybe even a left-handed cigar bar at the turn. All therapy in the fitness trailer has a happy ending. Bad shots are hysterically funny, but oddly difficult to count. Or even remember. Wanamaker Trophy is replaced with ruby-studded pimp goblet.

2. Rush Limbaugh Three hooks in a row lead to summary execution, boosting TV ratings by more than 400 percent. Not unlike Snoop's reign with regard to medication. Brian Gay would have to quit the Tour. Any dip in TV ratings blamed on Hillary Clinton.

3. Richard Simmons Brian Gay reinstated but Greg Norman is out—too butch. There are fines for clashing colors and poor accessorizing, and every caddie wears mesh and goes barefoot. Prize money is distributed in accordance with how hard you try, not where you finish. No cuts—that's not nice! Saddle shoes look even fruitier. Pleated khakis out; ass-high shorts in. PGA Tour cards replaced by Deal-a-Meal Cards.

4. Hillary Clinton Michelle Wie gets a lifetime achievement award and Martha Burk replaces Ed Moorehouse as lead counsel. Barbara Streisand takes over Tour Productions and abandons first-round coverage altogether in favor of horrifying musicals. Christopher Lowell retained to work on window treatments in TPC clubhouses, and new "winner's tax" exceeds actual earnings—though Clinton herself accepts millions as an advance on her next book, It Takes a Gated Village.

5. James Gandolfini

6. Charles Barkley

7. Rosie O'Donnell Tiger Has Two Daddies

8. Lanny Wadkins

9. Paris Hilton

10. Dubya

862. Ken Lay

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