Saturday, January 20, 2007

Dear Stuart Appleby:

How are you? Hope this letter reaches you down on the Lamborghini farm. Sorry I haven't written, but here's the thing: After you won the Houston Open, you said, "This week was going to be a week where I wanted to graduate somewhere mentally."

That was the 1999 Houston Open.

And so, after your wire-to-wire W at the '06 Shell Houston Open last weekend, a victory so dull as to inspire fantasies of gavel-to-gavel coverage of the Enron trial, I say: It's time to graduate somewhere mentally. It's time you won a major—past time, actually.

You seemed happy and relieved to win Houston in '99, but bored in '06. (Just think of the people watching at home!) Maybe you secretly realize what is so apparent to the rest of us, that it's cap-and-gown time.

I've been talking to some of your "mates," guys like Mark Hensby and Adam Scott, asking who will become the first Down Under pro to cop a Big Four title since smooth Steve Elkington did it at the 1995 PGA.

And you know what they say?

They say it's you, Stu, but I'll do them one better. You're the Best Player Never to Win a Major (BPNWM). You've got eight Tour victories; you've just ensured a multiple-win season for the first time in 11 years on Tour; you're 34. Did you know ex-BPNWM Phil Mickelson was almost 34 when he got off the schnide? Now he's got three majors! What will Stu do next?

Sorry, man. If you hadn't won Houston again I'd still be overlooking you, because nabbing a tournament every year, or other year, is a surefire way to stay sub-radar—your yellow Lambo notwithstanding. You even blended in at the Presidents Cup last September. That crazy look on Chris DiMarco's face said, "Hide the kids and mind your fingers and toes." The look on your face—wait, you were at the Presidents Cup? Oh, right! You were the guy he beat, 1-up.

Stuart, you could have made a career out of your Mercedes Championship annuity, three years running, but no. You had to go and keep winning. Now we, your pals in the press, can't help but conclude that it's your time. Phil can't win every big event; Vijay's looking a little long of tooth; Retief needs a W to validate recent swing changes; Tiger's attending to his bungee-jumping, speed-freak caddie (and Dad, Earl); and Ernie's still not totally right in the knee.

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