GOLF Magazine Senior Editor Mike Walker imagines a match between the creator of the universe and the best golfer in it.
Despite making four birdies and hitting every fairway, God, creator of the known universe, lost a friendly match to Tiger Woods 3&2 at Doral’s Blue Monster course Wednesday.
The deity, incarnate this week for the NCAA basketball tournament and “to do some shopping,” requested a meeting with Woods, with whom he was well pleased, following Woods’ dramatic 72nd-hole win at Bay Hill last week.
“We got talking and Tiger asked if I had time to play a couple holes,” God said. “I said, ‘Tiger, I control all space and time, so let’s play 18.'”
The two played under God’s special golf rule, which states the deity cannot use outside agencies to improve his score. The rule was instituted by the USGA in 1958 after a match in which God beat Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, in controversial circumstances after a squirrel nudged God’s ball into the hole when it appeared as though his putt would come up short.
Those who have seen the Holy Father’s game say he is accurate with the driver and is an excellent putter. Despite claims to the contrary by Lee Trevino, he’s also known for his proficiency with a 1-iron and his sometimes voluble temper.
The Supreme Being started off well when he birdied the par-5 first and par-4 second to go 2-up. Tiger rallied back, however, and after an eagle on 12, closed out the Lord Almighty with an 18-foot putt for birdie on 16.
“At first, I was so depressed I almost unleashed a plague,” God said. “But after I thought it over, I realized it’s a blessing to be able to watch this once-in-a-lifetime talent. Of course, my lifetime encompasses all time and everything that is going to happen has already happened, to me. It’s kind of hard to explain.”
Woods’ victory is considered the biggest upset by a mortal over a powerful supernatural being since Beelzebub lost a musical competition to a fiddler named Johnny in the American South in 1834. However, Woods appeared unfazed by his win.
“I have the utmost respect for the Almighty and everything He does,” Woods said. “But on the golf course, I don’t care if you’re a supreme all-powerful being, I’m going to try to beat you.”
Woods said he and the Lord talked about Stanford’s chances in the NCAA Tournament and the house he’s building in Jupiter, Fla. Woods said the Lord admitted that he too has a similar mansion with many rooms.
“People think of Him as this awesomely power figure, but He’s really just a regular guy,” Woods said. “We talked sports. He gets asked about the meaning of life, the problem of evil and the end of the world all the time, so when he’s on the course, he just wants to relax.”
Woods said the Almighty tells great jokes, but declined to share any of them with reporters after the round. “I’m not going to talk about that,” Woods said when asked what the Lord’s best joke is. “But when you meet him on your Day of Judgment, definitely ask him to tell you the one about Moses and the three-legged prostitute.”
As is his custom, the Lord used one of the regular caddies from the resort. On Wednesday, Doral caddie Jimmy Snyder had the honor of toting God’s bag. Following the round, the Lord gave him an unusual tip.
“Most guys usually give you $100 or so, but God just tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘You will be blessed with many descendants,'” Snyder said. “And that’s awesome, I mean, I’m very grateful, but I could have used some cash to buy some weed tonight.”