To: All Members of Golf Media
From: Tiger Woods Inc.
As I’m sure many of you are aware, we had an unfortunate incident in Melbourne on Saturday where Mr. Woods mis-hit his tee shot due to a father taking pictures of his daughter in their front yard about a mile from the course during Mr. Woods’s swing. Following this gross breach of etiquette, Mr. Woods was understandably frustrated. Because of his intense focus and concentration, Mr. Woods didn’t realize that he had flung his club into the ground whereupon it bounced up and flew into the crowd. (Video below.) Thankfully, nobody was injured. Were it not for his fabled competitiveness, Woods would have apologized to his fans and verified that everyone was OK before walking down the fairway.
Because of Mr. Woods’s stature and your position as reporters, we realize that it must be tempting to relate this incident to the world at large. However, we’d like to remind you that Mr. Woods occupies an exalted position in the golfing world, and it is of the utmost importance to the game that his public persona remains unblemished. In fact, if Mr. Woods were subject to criticism for this incident he would consider demanding that Tour events in which he deigns to participate be played at dawn and be closed to all media and fans except a small group of celebrity athlete friends. Don’t believe it? Just try us.
We appreciate your cooperation in the matter. In exchange for your silence on the unpleasantness in Australia on Saturday, Mr. Woods might acknowledge you by name at some future date. He will also consider saying something noteworthy at a future media conference. If you need to file a story this week, we’d be happy to provide you with quotes from Mr. Woods about the new Gillette Fusion Razor. It really is the future of shaving.
Tiger Woods Inc.