I was at the optometrist the other day, sitting behind that odd apparatus they swing in front of your nose.
The doc slipped a couple of lenses into it. “How does that look to you?” he asked me. “Well,” I said, “I was hoping for something a little smaller.” And then something snapped in my head like the elastic in Sir Elton John’s panties.
My eye quack looked suspiciously like Mike Weir playing a doctor. Which got me to thinking about what these guys I work with. What would they do if they weren’t Tour players?
All the broadcast and journalism jobs for clinically depressed alcoholic ex-Tour players with superiority complexes being filled, they would have to find real employment and, frankly, I’m not sure that many of them would be up to the challenge.
Here, based solely on appearance and body language, is my best guess at what the likes of Phil and Padraig would be doing if they had 23 handicaps like the rest of us.
Gary McCord – When McCord talks to himself, there are usually several people listening, so we have some possibilities here. He could be some kind of scientist with impossibly thick glasses, and a white coat with a pocketful of pens, working in a gerbil behavioral research facility, or maybe a theoretical physicist working on 10-dimensional string theory 500 feet below the Utah desert.
Sergio Garcia – He’d be one of two things: a soccer player or a matador in those tight sequin-infested pants. Either way, he’d work well on his tippy-toes.
Justin Leonard – The white one in Spy vs. Spy.
John Daly – First wildly popular director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Bobby Clampett – A tee marker at Pinehurst No. 2.
Tiger Woods – He wouldn’t have a 23 handicap, and he could pretty much be whatever the hell he wanted to be — say, president of the United States.
Vijay Singh – No matter how hard I try to imagine him doing something else, the guy is still a professional golfer. Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon, maybe, but even doing a boob job he’s probably reach for a Ping. Best we leave him in his natural habitat, out on the range.
Phil Mickelson – Phil edges out Mike Weir to be the first American-elected prime minister of Canada, largely because during the explanation of his winning strategy at the 2006 Masters, most of the population of Quebec thinks he is talking in French, and about hockey.
Padraig Harrington – A shoo-in for voiceover work in Lucky Charms commercials.
Jean Van de Velde – Victoria’s Secret model (ret.), then commissioner of the LPGA Tour.
Ernie Els – Captain of the South African burping team, and individual world burping champion (heavyweight division).
Retief Goosen – A speech therapist, but a really bad one.
Jim Furyk – Would play Sam the Eagle on the road tour of Muppets on Ice.
Fred Funk – Solid-gold hood ornament.
Tim Herron – Figure skater.
Scott Hoch – IRS agent, sensitivity trainer or a greenskeeper at St. Andrews.
Peter Oosterhuis – Prince Charles impersonator, or maybe a giraffe keeper at the zoo or maybe just a giraffe.
Jesper Parnevik – Designer of a fine line of Scandinavian pimpwear.
Brad Faxon – New England lobsterman, complete with wooden leg and clay pipe.
Peter Kostis – Weather forecaster for the local affiliate in Nome, Alaska.
Jim Nantz – New York City tour-bus guide.