BETHESDA, Md. — The much-hyped golf match between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner was played Saturday at Joint Base Andrews outside Washington, D.C. They were joined by Vice President Joe Biden and Republican Gov. John Kasich of Ohio, but other than that the details of the outing have been scant. Since we don’t expect that to change, here’s one version of how things might have played out when the two convened on the first tee.
Boehner: Mr. President, how the hell are you? I’m so glad we could finally do this.
Obama: Absolutely, John. Me, too. Go easy on me now.
Boehner: Me go easy on you? [Laughs] Mr. President, you’ve played 71 rounds since you’ve been in office! Hell, that’s more rounds than we fired in World War II!
Obama: Let me be crystal clear here: I still can’t break 90.
Boehner: Alright, alright, don’t get your Dockers in a knot. Let me see what you got. Take a few practice swings.
[Obama takes three jerky swipes.]
Boehner: Whoa, hold on there, chief. That swing has more motions than a session of Congress. Try this.
[Boehner helps Obama take the club back on plane.]
Boehner: How does that feel?
[Obama takes another cut.]
Obama: Change isn’t easy. It won’t happen overnight. There will be setbacks and false starts.
Boehner: That’s it, Barry! Now you’re getting it!
Obama: Let me be clear: I do not view this as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations.
[Boehner tears up.]
Obama: John, are you crying?
Boehner: [Sniffles] It’s just that, well, that was really beautiful what you just said. And, and . . .
[Boehner starts bawling.]
Obama: Pull yourself together, man! Are we here for 18 holes — or 60 Minutes?
[Obama hands him a handkerchief.]
Obama: So . . . the match. I want six strokes a side. Sound equitable?
Boehner: Six a side? Twelve shots!? Will Obamacare cover that? [Snickers] Let me see your handicap card.
Obama: Actually, um . . . I don’t have one — well, not on me, anyway.
Boehner: Dammit, Trump told me you’d try to pull this crap.
Obama: I’m a 20 or so. A 90s shooter at best. I give you my word.
Boehner: Mr. President, let me see that card!
Obama: We don’t have time for this kind of silliness. I’ll settle for five a side. But the loser steps down from office.
Boehner: You’re on! Oh, and Barack, 1987 called. [Boehner points down to Obama’s beat-up old saddle shoes.] It wants its shoes back.
Obama: Cold, man. Really uncalled for. You heard what Carney said. This round is supposed to be a chance for us to discuss important issues such as budget negotiations. And you’re knocking my kicks?
[Boehner begins weeping again.]
Obama: Seriously, John?
Boehner: I know, I know, I’m sorry. [Boehner blows his nose.] You’re so right, though. That remark was way out of line.
Biden: For the love of Moses, guys! Are we going to play some golf or chitchat all day like a bunch of sissies?
[A cart girl pulls up.]
Biden: Hey, gorgeous, why don’t you toddle on over here and set up my boys with a couple of stiffies.
Biden: I mean drinks! Drinks! [Laughs.] How’s a vodka tonic sound, gents?
Boehner: O.K. by me.
Obama: Budweiser for me. And give me a pack of them smokes.
Biden: Nice, boss! Now that’s what I call bringing parties together!
[Obama glares at Biden, clearly unamused.]
Boehner: We should probably get moving here. We’re holding up the tee. Hey, leader of the free world, lead us off.
[Obama steps up to the tee and takes a few waggles, nervously eyeing the out-of-bounds stakes down the right side of the hole.]
Boehner: Hey, Barry, you know what your initials are in reverse?
Boehner: That’s right — O.B., dog!
[Obama steps away from his ball.]
Obama: So, you want to play mind games?
Boehner: Hey, all is fair in love and war.
Obama: So be it.
[Obama, a lefty, hits a weak fade into the left rough. Boehner then strides up to the tee, exuding confidence. He takes one practice swing before stepping into his address. The tee falls silent.]
Obama: Hey, J.B., you ever seen Titanic? Remember the part when Leo lets go of the lifeboat? Heartbreaking stuff.
[Boehner begins sniffling, visibly fighting back tears. It’s a fruitless effort. Moments later streams begin pouring down Boehner’s cheeks.]
Boehner: TouchÃ©, Mr. President. TouchÃ©!