The New Rules: Today's Tour dawdlers need a good slap upside the head

The New Rules: Today’s Tour dawdlers need a good slap upside the head

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No matter how much
you love golf, there are
some things about
watching it on TV that
probably make you want
to empty a full clip into your new flatscreen
plasma.

Like lines on the ball for
a start. Who started that crap? I suspect
one of those short-game gurus who
convince players to approach every shot
as if it were a blindfolded tightrope
walk over a pit filled with runoff from
John Daly’s RV.

In my thankfully rare
tower moments, my nuts go numb
watching players aim the line on the ball
in the precise direction in which they
want to start a putt. Then they step away
and check it. Then readjust it. Then step
away again and make sure it’s right,
by which time I’m drooling
and delivering leg kicks to
my cameraman like a dog
chasing rabbits in its
dreams.

Then, and only
then, do they remove the
ball marker, my faithful
spotter bludgeons me back
to consciousness, and I
witness thirteen practice
strokes, one last alignment
check and a putt that is
invariably six inches short.

New Rule: No lines on the
ball, unless it’s a line of coke, which
would at least get the bastards moving.
And, of course, Tour officials and DEA
agents could then swoop down on
the players on live TV. I see great
chase-scene potential, hopefully from
the blimp.

Moving on to a related matter: At
any given time there are several relevant
shots a TV producer could show you
at home, so as he scans the wall of
monitors in front of him, he needs an
innate sense of who’ll pull the trigger
first.

Of course, once a decision is made
and the director makes the camera cut,
the chosen flaming slow-hole backs off
his ball and three other shots that could
have been shown instead (and will be
shown later) are now in the air. This is
how live golf becomes plausibly-live
golf (that’s actually what we call it), and
announcers lose their hearing.

New Rule: A player may not address
and then re-address his ball unless there
is a major distraction. Major distractions
are defined as follows:
1. A gust of wind in excess of 60mph
2. A sonic boom
3. Elin Woods

New Rule: No more tapping down
imaginary spike marks after a missed
putt.

Hey, Yippy, you missed an easy
one because you suck. Deal with it.

From now on this will be a one-shot
penalty, or in match play
your opponent can deliver a
free love-tap to your nads. That
ought to do it.

New Rule: No more blaming
the caddie after nuking a 9-iron
into the skybox on 17 and sending
shards of Miller Lite bottles and
chunks of warm tuna salad into
the hair of its occupants.

This
means no more slamming the
club into the bag and berating the
hapless guy, who, despite smelling
like a Nicaraguan dope field,
begged you to hit the gap wedge.

Penalty: One shot, plus dinner
tab for the caddie and his three
favorite strippers.

New Rule: Read it quickly, and
then weep. There are guys who
have their caddie look at every
putt from north, south, east and
west, check the grain, slope,
barometric pressure, Shotlink, write
to Dr. Phil, and then crouch down
behind them to make sure they’re
lined up correctly.

Then, just before the
player makes a stroke, the caddie walks
away exactly four and a half steps
diagonally and freezes like he just noticed
his wife standing by the bag, holding up
the panties she found in his glove
compartment.

Penalty: The player must
tell Mrs. Looper the panties are his, and
wear them for the rest of the season.