Mr. President,
Save Our Game

Mr. President,
Save Our Game

United-States-Seal_299_0.jpg

Plenty of presidents have
played golf—think of JFK’s
smooth swing, Dwight
Eisenhower’s Augusta
National getaways, Gerald
Ford’s wayward drives into
pro-am galleries, and Bill
Clinton’s “Billigans” (aka
presidential mulligans)—
but we’ve never had a
president who used the
bully pulpit to make our
game better. So here’s the
presidential speech that all
golfers want to hear, because
while some of us bleed GOP
red and others are true Democrat
blue, deep down we’re all about
greens— fairways and greens, that is.

My Fellow American Golfers,
All along the campaign trail, from the clubhouse at the Old Lakeview Creek Country Club in Springfield, Mass., to the snack bar at Big Al’s All-You-Can-Hit Driving Range in Skokie, Ill., I’m asked the same question:
'How is the state of our game? ' Well, my friends, the state of our game is strong … but it could be stronger. In honor of our country’s
pioneering, never-surrender spirit that says
'I can still make bogey here, ' I give you my
New Deal for American golfers:

1 No more showing your receipt to
the starter. In my administration,
this backward policy will go the way
of carbon paper and waiting for the
wedding night. If the guy at Exxon
can figure out from the comfort of
his bulletproof booth that I paid for
my gas, then the kid in the pro shop
should be able to call the starter and
say, “That guy who dresses like Phil
Mickelson and swings like Amy
Mickelson? He paid.”

2 Speaking of Phil, I want to see him
win more tournaments—and I
know you do, too. Therefore, my
first executive order will demand
that the PGA Tour give Phil two
strokes a side at each major (better
make that three on Sundays).

3 Many of us struggle with getting
tee times at quality courses,
especially when on vacation.
Thus the Commonwealth of Puerto
Rico will hereby be known as the
Commonwealth of Puerto Rico
Golf Resort and Spa.

4 I will ask Tiger Woods to join
my cabinet as secretary of
whichever department he feels
like running.

5 Cart-path-only rules
will be abolished. If we
wanted to spend our weekends
walking five miles, we wouldn’t
be playing golf. In extraordinary
circumstances—flooding, a John
Daly visit—cart-path-only rules will
be allowed, but players will receive
50 percent off their greens fees. If the
course has a problem with that, tell them
to send me a letter. The address is 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue—maybe they’ve
heard of it.

6 All professional women golfers will
be required to speak English, unless
they’re really hot.

7 David Feherty will join my
administration as press secretary
and official mouthpiece. That should
be a nice change from the bodily
orifice he’s used to being called.

8 I will work to abolish the death
penalty in all cases except treason
and guys who insist on wearing plusfours
on the golf course.

9 The Masters will give me tickets. I’m
the president, dammit! Please?


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