If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Hello David, thanks for all your witty, intelligent commentary on the fairways; it makes for a nice yin and yang contrast with that evil McCord. My question: Having traveled a lot, do you speak any other languages: Gaelic? McCordian? Hubspeak? Thanks for your time.
Serge Alain, Saguenay, Quebec

To begin with, Gaelic is not really a language. It’s a bastardization of high Norse, Arctic fox yelps and sheep bleating spoken by drunken Galway idiots who get slitty-eyed and shirty after a few scoops. They claim it’s a legitimate language in the West of Ireland, but everyone knows it’s just a subterfuge whose main reason for existence is to confound the legal system. Under the law of the Republic, a man accused of a crime can demand a trial in Gaelic. Since no one really understands a damn word, the trials are invariably dismissed. It is unpronounceable, defies any attempt at spelling, possesses no grammatical architecture, and can be neither interpreted nor comprehended. Therefore it will come as no surprise that it is the only language my therapist will employ and is widely recognized as the official language of PGA tour caddies.

First off, I always enjoying reading your columns/rantings, they are the greatest. It’s the first thing I turn to while sitting in my reading room, i.e., on the throne. While, like most Americans, I’ve never met Payne Stewart, I just wanted you to know that articles like yours endear him to me more. I always thought that he was a great golfer but reading stories like the one you told make him seem more down to earth too. I’m sure you feel privileged to have known him, and I’m privileged to read what others have to say about the personal, albeit sometimes sadistic, side of Payne. If you have more stories about him, please run them in the future. Thanks for the story and I hope for many more years of your columns to come.
— Jeff Davidson

I loved that man, that’s for sure. But my stories about him are like wine, only to be let out of the bottle when the world is ready for them.

Given your access to a large number of golfers, especially some of whom I will undoubtedly find playing in a group ahead of me sometime in the future, I would like you to address the issue of golfers urinating on the course. The idea that my golf ball would be dampened by another’s recycled beverage is particularly disturbing given my tendency to take deep divots and clean my golf ball with the “lick the thumb, wipe the golf ball with the thumb and repeat” move. Should there be a penalty assessed against the offenders or should I just change my swing path and my golf ball cleaning move? I would sincerely appreciate your input on this issue. Thanks in advance.
— B. Wilder, Houston, TX

Could you B. any Wilder?

Don’t be so squeamish, you paranoid, panty-waisted hairdresser. Peeing on the golf course is a time-honored tradition, like slamming your club into a ball washer in the middle of your opponent’s backswing. Let’s take the positive approach and see this behavior as an opportunity to consider the type of beverage consumed. If it was wine, what kind was it? Red or white; a nice cab or a burgundy; hints of berry and chocolate; tawny but not pretentious? Or is it just salty? How about beer? Domestic or imported; lager or dark; bottled or canned? There are all kinds of permutations to be considered here. But most of all, have fun with it. All I want is to be able to pee a full stream again.

I am a boogie golfer…looking for game improvement clubs. My question…what is the difference in graphite versus steel shafts in irons and who should use either?
[email protected]

How appropriate your ISP is Yahoo. Boogie golfers should play at night so it doesn’t really matter what shafts you use. You should be looking for “game improvement” lessons, not clubs, you moron.

Hi David. I recently read that the rule makers are considering changing the golf ball in tournaments so that it will not travel as far since golf is becoming “too easy” for the tour pros. What a great idea! They should also put extra weights in Olympic runners’ shoes so they won’t run so fast. Perhaps they should let some air out of Lance Armstrong’s tires so he’ll quit winning the Tour de France. Come to think of it, those NASCAR cars are going really fast these days. Maybe it would be helpful to decrease the number of cylinders the engines can have.
With hopefully obvious dripping sarcasm,
Ben Falk, Portland, OR

Your sarcasm dripped all over my writing thong. I think they should throw Jello in the pool to slow down Michael Phelps. But actually, if you think about it, the IOFC (the International Organization of f–king Cretins) does probe cavities for performance enhancing chemicals, the Tour de France does legislate several aspects of bike construction and NASCAR places strict limits on design and engineering elements of the vehicle. I watch these guys hit driver, sand wedge on 465-yard par fours every weekend, and all it does is make me feel worse about my own projectile dysfunction. Sad, really.

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