He’s already brought sexy back. Now Justin Timberlake is bringing celebrity golf tournaments back with this weekend’s Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospital Open in Las Vegas. Why stop there? We’ve got the perfect celebrity for almost every stop on the PGA Tour. Commissioner Finchem, are you listening?
Mercedes Championships, Kapalua, Hawaii
Native son and fledging golfer Barack Obama presides over the winners-only opening of the season, golf’s version of the Champions League. If Obama loses the election, he’ll be replaced as host by the reclusive Hawaiian billionaire Robin Masters.
Sony Open, Honolulu
Hosted by Michelle Wie, because you don’t have to win anything to play there.
Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, Palm Desert, Calif.
Like Bob Hope, Bruce Willis has been great about visiting U.S. troops overseas, and he’s maintained a high level of celebrity despite going years without being in anything good.
Buick International, San Diego, Calif.
Since Tiger’s already got his own tournament, let’s give this one to the only other person I know who drives a Buick, my Uncle Jim.
FBR Open, Scottsdale, Ariz.
Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart gets the nod since he’ll probably be there anyway, drinking 18 beers a day and trying to meet women like the rest of the gallery.
Mayakoba Golf Classic, Cancun, Mexico
“Girls Gone Wild” producer Joe Francis makes this tournament a best-selling DVD.
Northern Trust Open, Pacific Palisades, Calif.
Like the name of this tournament, the celebrity host will change every year.
WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship, Carlsbad, Calif.
The most long-winded tournament name gets the celebrity with the most long-winded name: John Cougar Mellencamp. Gene Rayburn, host of the Match Game, would have been a better choice, but he’s dead.
Chrysler Classic, Tucson, Ariz.
Snoop Dogg. The golf commercial with Lee Iacocca a few years ago seals it. Plus, he needs something to do — it’s not like he can rap anymore.
Ford Championship at Doral, Miami, Fla.
Dan Marino is the almost-too-easy pick. He’s more popular in South Florida than cocaine and eating disorders.
Bay Hill Invitational, Orlando, Fla.
Sticking with Arnie.
The Players Championship, Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.
The Players Championship gets the consummate player: pretty boy rock singer John Mayer. Here’s what Mayer’s list looks like so far: Jennifer Anniston, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson. Even Lenny Kravitz is impressed.
The Masters, Augusta, Ga.
Who else but the Master of Illusion, David Copperfield? For his next trick, he’ll make all birdies at Augusta National disappear! Wait, that already happened.
Wachovia Championship, Charlotte, N.C.
Michael Jordan. Unlike his GM jobs, he can’t screw this one up by spending too much time on the golf course.
EDS Byron Nelson Championship, Irving, Texas
How about a Cowboys quarterback who likes golf and shows up in big games? That’s right: Roger Staubach.
Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial, Fort Worth, Texas
For the tournament where Annika teed it up with the men, we nominate another trailblazing host: first-ever woman Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She even scored a hole-in-one in 2000 at the Paradise Valley Country Club in Arizona. Take that, Anton Scalia!
The Memorial Tournament, Dublin, Ohio
Jack Nicholson will join Jack Nicklaus and confuse everybody.
The U.S. Open, Bethpage Black, Farmingdale, N.Y.
Donald Trump, because the U.S.G.A. will never let him host an Open on his own course.
Cialis Western Open, Lemont, Ill.
That older couple that dances way too well and way too close at every wedding you’ve ever been to.
British Open, Turnberry, Scotland
Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. Just on the off-chance he’d run into Sean Connery and we could all relive the classic Saturday Night Live parody. On a side note, I’d love Trebek to announce guests at my next party: “Here’s Grady Walsh. Grady is an accountant from Eugene, Ore., who it says here once shared a pizza with Osama Bin Laden. Tell us about that Grady…”
PGA Championship, Hazeltine National Golf Club, Chaska, Minn.
The overlooked fourth major gets the overlooked fourth Baldwin brother, Daniel, as celebrity host. That’s the Baldwin from Celebrity Rehab, not the evangelical Christian who was in The Usual Suspects or the one in that really bad Sharon Stone movie. Alternate choice: Ringo Starr.
The Barclays, Ridgewood, N.J.
We hear ex-Lehman Brothers CEO Richard Fuld has some free time.
Please post your celebrity-host suggestions below. If they’re any good, we’ll pass them along to Commissioner Tim Finchem, or at least send you a Golf Magazine hat!