TW: Hey, Phil, it’s me Tiger.
PM: Yo, buddy! What’s the word? How was your T-Day?
TW: I’ve had better. [Chuckles weakly.]
PM: What happened? You overcook the turkey?
TW: Cute, Lefty. Man, what a nightmare this whole ordeal has been.
PM: What do you mean? What ordeal? Sorry, kinda been outta the loop. Took Amy and the kids to Bora Bora for the week. Just got back this evening. We didn’t have Web access, newspapers, TMZ, nothing. It was beautiful. Quiet. Super relaxing. Anyway, listen to me rambling on. What happened to you?
TW: You serious? You haven’t heard?
PM: Heard what? C’mon, T-Dubs, what?
TW: Oh … um, well … um … not much. It wasn’t a big deal, really. Just, um, banged up my car a bit.
PM: Your car? You okay?
TW: Yeah, I’m fine. Just peachy. Well, you know, couple scratches, a little black and blue. It is what it is.
PM: Were you alone?
TW: Yeah, yeah, just me. Dinked the hydrant at the end of the drive. Then clipped my neighbor’s tree. I may have been unconscious at one point. A little incoherent mumbling. Nothing serious.
PM: Whoa, how’d that happen?
TW: Um, well, I, I, I … [Mickelson hears what sounds like rustling papers.]
PM: Whatcha doing over there, Woodsie? Reading notes? [Lefty laughs heartily.]
[Woods laughs, too — nervously. More rustling.]
PM: Seriously, what happened?
PM: Tiger? Tiger? You still there?
TW: Yeah, yeah, I’m here. [Clears throat.] Tiger Woods — um, I mean, I … I was in a minor car accident outside his — my — home last night … I mean, Thursday night — well, early Friday morning. Whatever. I was admitted, treated and released in good condition. We appreciate very much everyone’s thoughts and well wishes.
PM: We? Tiger, you feeling okay? Did you bang your head? You sound a little, I don’t know — rehearsed.
TW: I … I … have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore. [Woods begins delivering his statements with more conviction.] This situation is my fault, Phil, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.
PM: Tiger! Tiger! Slow down there, chief. What situation? What’s embarrassing? What won’t happen again???
TW: This is a private matter, Phil, and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.
PM: $&#@$%^!!! That’s enough, Tiger!!! Are you reading from a prepared statement??? Did Steiny put you up to this? Talk to me like we’re Ryder Cup partners — check that, like we’re a couple of old high school buddies. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Start from the beginning.
TW: The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.
PM: That’s just it, pal — I’m not making any assertions. I just want to know what the hell you’re talking about.
TW: This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.
PM: Ooooooookay, whatever, dude. You’re the boss. Hate to be rude, but I gotta roll. Good luck at Sherwood this week.
TW: Due to injuries sustained in a one-car accident last week, I will be unable to play in the 2009 Chevron World Challenge.
TW: I am extremely disappointed that I will not be at my tournament this week. I am certain it will be an outstanding event and I’m very sorry that I can’t be there.
PM: Me too, buddy. Me too.
TW: Woods will not participate in any other tournaments in 2009 and will return to action next year.
PM: Cool — see you then, Woods. Good catching up.