Let’s get this straight. Sir Nick Faldo won 30 times in Europe, nine times on the PGA Tour, six majors, and was arguably the greatest Ryder Cup player ever. What’s more impressive is that he did all this while dealing with three wives, four kids, and a lot of homework he didn’t understand from various extracurricular college students. Frankly, I’m impressed, and I think he’s doing a great job on the air, too, although we do have the occasional technician faint on the 18th tower, when between him and Nantz all the available oxygen is used. I was nosing around in the office the other day when I noticed Sir Nick’s Royal Livery Sack (that’s what Knights of the Realm call their backpacks these days) lying in the corner, and I’m ashamed to admit my curiosity got the better of me. There was a sheaf of letters sticking out, and I took a little peek.
From Paul Azinger: “Nicky Boy: Congratulations on your knighthood. I guess if they can give Obama the Nobel Peace Prize for blowing smoke rings in the Rose Garden, they can make a dilwad like you a goddamn knight for whacking your pill around the globe. Well done, I suppose, but if you think I’m calling you “Sir,” you’ve lost the plot. Anyway, you can still chew me…”
From CBS Sports coordinating producer Lance Barrow: “Oh great — I guess now we’ll have to say, “Lay out, Sir,” huh?” Listen, you limey stiff, just be on time for dinner Friday night. And don’t expect a throne.”
— Lance (which could be short for Lancelot, I don’t know).
From Jim Nantz: “Hello Sir Nick-Friend. Wow, that’s one for the ages. Do you believe in miracles? That’s better than most. I was thinking, was it your time…Yes! Have you ever in your life seen anything like that? How ’bout that Queen, huh? They don’t make ’em like that anymore. Well done, my friend. Hey, I talked to ’41 last night, and he and Barb said you’re welcome up to Kennebunkport for some striper fishing this weekend. W and Laura are going to be there, too. Oh, I almost forgot; I may need some advice on divorce, old buddy. Freddie’ll be here Thursday, let’s get together. Between the two of you, heaven knows, you should have me covered. Let’s go to 16…”
I complete me,
From Ben Wright: “I wish I could have been there, old son, but British Airways won’t sell me a single seat these days; for some reason they insist that I buy two now. Spent some time with the Queen, did we then? How is the old girl; still a bit top-heavy, is she? Whoops, don’t want to go there again — never mind. Well, then, soldier on, old stick, and well done indeed. Stop by when you’re next in North Carolina and I’ll open a nice case of claret — and maybe one for you as well.”
From Peter Alliss: “Ah, Nick old bean, frightfully well done if you ask me. I remember you telling me about playing your first round of golf on your 14th birthday then going straight to the garage for a thumpingly good jostle. As you are probably aware, I declined the offer of the Order of the British Empire in 2002. Told the Queen to bugger off, I did. See, if she had offered me a knighthood as she did you, I would have accepted. But apparently I hadn’t risen to your level and, well, I’m sounding a little bitter now and after all this is your time, so I’ll just let it go. Congratulations, I imagine.”
— Alliss, P. Rear Cardinal of the Admiralty (Ret.)
From David Feherty: “Hey Sir Nobby: Does this mean you have to sit at a round table with a bunch of other old farts like Elton John, Paul McCartney and Sean Connery and talk about days of old and who has the biggest sword or something? What a preposterous anachronism! The only damsel in distress any of you might be able to rescue is McCartney’s ex-wife, and you’d be lucky if she didn’t kick all of your asses with the one leg she’s got left. I know you, pal — your idea of chivalry is sending the alimony check without writing “Bugger Off” in the memo section. Lancelot had the strength of 10 because his heart was pure. The only strength you lot have comes from Connery’s breath after a meal of rancid haggis washed down with cheap single malt.”
DEAR GOD! I have no idea where that came from! Thanks be to Donald Trump I didn’t send it, because speaking for myself, I think it’s a great thing that our man at 18 got the double-tap from the Queen. Very few get this honor, and I think Sir Nick deserves it more than most of them. If it wasn’t for, well, pretty much my whole life and career I’d probably be on the Queen’s list in a year or so, too, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen so if it’s okay, I’ll just live vicariously through you, sir ….