A certain adulterous golfer aside, the PGA Tour is hardly a breeding ground for intrigue and suspense. But that hasn’t stopped CBS’s wildly successful show, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, from positioning professional golf at the center of next week’s episode. According to CBS, the Jan. 21 CSI will have its crack forensics team investigating the death of a “legendary player” whose body is discovered during a “high-profile tournament.”
Among the golfers who will play themselves: Rocco Mediate, Natalie Gulbis and surefire ratings-mover Duffy Waldorf. Two of CBS’s own — goofball announcers David Feherty and Gary McCord — will also make cameo appearances. (Shocker. Those two are usually so publicity shy.) Should the show inspire a spinoff series, CSI: Ponte Vedra Beach, here are some storylines we’d like to see:
Episode: “Rage Fright”
Killer: Tiger Woods
Plot: The world’s No. 1 returns from his “indefinite” leave from the game with a temper that’s fiercer than ever. He’s enraged not only by his own poor shots, but also by those of his competitors, which leads to violent consequences. The ensuing murders are corny and predictable (snap hooks are followed by snapped necks; water balls by drownings, etc.) yet oddly compelling. When Tiger is convicted, a smirking judge quips: “Perhaps, Mr. Woods, you would benefit from a definite leave from the game — like, say, 40 years to life.” [Cue dramatic closing music.]
Episode: “Death Wedge”
Killer: Phil Mickelson
Plot: Loveable, happy-go-lucky Lefty is the last guy you’d suspect, right? He actually might have gotten away with his heinous crime had the lob wedge he planted in the back of his victim’s head not been a — wait for it, wait for it — left-handed club! In a chilling closing scene, a cuffed-up Lefty gets carted off to the clink but not before shooting the camera a soulless aw-shucks smile.
Episode: “No Comment”
Killer: Commissioner Tim Finchem
Plot: The victim attends a 90-minute Finchem press conference and dies from … boredom. In a clever courtroom twist, the commish gets off by confounding cross-examining prosecutors with hours of indecipherable Tour-speak.
Episode: “Il Diablo”
Killer: Sergio Garcia
Plot: The episode opens at a festive “champions’ dinner” with a positively ebullient Sergio donning a green jacket and ladling out heaping servings of paella. All is well until Woosie bites into a human ear. Later, the petulant Spaniard tries to justify his grizzly Tour pro murder spree to a jury: “C’mon, I’m playing against a lot of guys out there — more than just the field.”
Episode: “Dead Solid Perfect”
Killer: Boo Weekley
Plot: Plum tired of chasin’ big game, Boo goes after really big game: his fellow millionaire Tour pros. Totin’ his huntin’ rifle and clad in fatigues, the so-called “Country Bump-Killer” picks off a half dozen of his peers before police take him down in a Scarface-esque raid on his Panhandle huntin’ shack. “I ain’t dun nuthin!” Weekley cries as the credits roll. “I ain’t dun nuthin!!!”
Episode: “The Tw-executioner”
Killer: Stewart Cink
Plot: When a body is found wedged under the Swilcan Bridge, no one suspects the reigning British Open champ until he releases a series of suspicious and downright creepy Tweets:
“new grooves NOT so groovy. sure, they can carve flesh, but shots? not so much :(“
“just filled claret jug with human blood — I mean, beer, BEER!!! lol!!!”
“ok, ok, I’m guilty! I did it!!!!!! just kidding!! NOT!!!! Or am I??? go yellow jackets!!!!”
Episode: “Really Bad Hair Day”
Killer: Rory McIlroy
Plot: The “Medusa Mangler,” as the New York Post dubs him, employs his tangled nest of locks to suffocate his victims. The absence of fingerprints on the deceased mystifies the CSI gang, but a trail of frizzy, black hairs eventually leads them to their man.
Episode: “The Gas Chamber”
Killer: David Feherty
Plot: Feherty and McCord challenge one another to a chili-eating contest, which Feherty wins handily. The next morning, police find the Northern Irishman lifeless in his Memphis hotel room. There are no signs of foul play, just an intensely vile stench, leaving investigators to declare only one possible cause of death: methane poisoning.
Got a better plot idea? Leave it below.