If today is Wednesday, and I believe it is, that means tomorrow is Thursday and the first round of the Phoenix Open, our inaugural 1999 broadcast. But even more mind-bendingly important is that tomorrow night, we unveil the first of our new late night highlight shows on CBS, which will be hosted by yours truly, and his imperial magnificence, Sir Garfield McCord. Phoenix, as you probably know, is where McCord — who is just visiting this planet — keeps all his stuff and parks his spacecraft. So he might be wearing his pajamas.
The powers that be have, in their infinite wisdom — or incredible stupidity — instructed both of us to, “Do our own thing.” This, of course, was a great relief to us because I have seen McCord’s thing, and I had no intention of ever doing anything with it. And I know he feels the same way about mine.
Anyway, it will be the fastest 15 minutes in golf, with lots of silliness, gratuitous violence, cross-dressing and great music with the added bonus of an occasional golf shot. Also, if you stay up late to watch, you will be able to tell your grandchildren that you were among the first to see my new teeth. Frankly, with the amount of work I’ve had done on them I thought this should have been a pay-per-view event, but I was voted down on that one.
In the last six weeks, I’ve had all my Irish stream dentistry replaced, and now I’m the proud owner of a gleaming top shelf of gnashers that make me look like a cross between Champion the Wonder Horse and John Elway. It’s sort of like a breast enlargement, in that I will be deeply offended if no one notices. So pay attention. I didn’t go through all this pain and suffering for it to go unnoticed. I think I’m done with that now …. no, wait a minute, that’s right, heck, now I’m so pretty, it’s all I can do to resist kissing the bathroom mirror in the morning. To be honest, I would, but my nose gets in the way. McCord complains that, when we’re in the same camera shot and I turn to talk to him, he completely disappears. That’ll be my next surgery, perhaps.