Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Q: Michelle Wie took the money from Nike, Sony and other companies and is running right to the bank. Do you think she made the right move turning pro? What would you do if she were your daughter? Part of me understands that you can’t turn down millions, but then I hear guys on TV saying stuff like, “You can’t re-live your childhood … she’s making a mistake.” – Howard Mullin, Evanston, Illinois

I turned pro at 17, so I think it would be hypocritical of me to knock Michelle for what she’s doing. The difference was I didn’t get any offers from Sony or Nike. My sponsor deals were from an acne company (for headwear), a codpiece manufacturer, (for my trousers), the Polish car maker Skoda, whose cars would actually disassemble themselves if you closed the door too hard, (my courtesy car) and a funeral home/pub combination in Bangor by the name of Danny O’Dead’s, (for my shirts). There wasn’t a lot of money involved, but my complexion cleared up and kicking me in the nuts was futile.

As for my lovely daughter, Erin, whose picture graces the back of the dust jacket of my new book, “An Idiot for All Seasons”, (which is available in bookstores everywhere you bastards), my guess is I would want to keep her as close to me as long as possible because I know I’m going to be broken beyond repair when she leaves, and I don’t want to face that moment until I absolutely have to. Which will be never. If Michele were my daughter, I’d have serious words with She Who Must Be Obeyed, because I’m pretty sure we don’t have any Asian ancestry.

Q: I’ve heard that the PGA Tour is talking about shortening the season. What would you do with a little extra time if all of the sudden the season ended in September, hunt more? – Peter Sheppard, Lake Charles, Louisiana

My season ends in September now. ABC takes most of the autumn schedule as it is, so I’m normally off for a good part of the end of the schedule. I spend most of this time studying quantum mechanics and nano-technology, performing open heart surgery on underprivileged kids in Beverly Hills, designing rubberized underpants, translating the Dead Sea Scrolls into Spanglish, nude topiary, and, of course, shooting at anything that happens to be more than six feet off the ground. Like Oosty’s ears.

Q: David, I remember that Golf Magazine once wrote that the milk shakes at Castle Pines are awesome and that the hotdogs at Westchester Country Club are insanely good. You are on tour a lot and seem like the kinda guy who knows how to use a knife and fork. Which tournament do you think has the best grub? – Steven Nesbit, San Francisco, California

All of the ones CBS doesn’t do. Incidentally, the best use of a knife is to stir your cocktail, (it provides a greater surface to lick quotent afterward) and a fork should be employed to pick the excess ice out of your drink.

The truth is I rarely eat in the clubhouse. CBS provides us with a catering truck and Henry, (my personal trainer) does a great job cooking up grub for us. Besides, it’s a rare country club that would permit the likes of McCord or me in their hallowed halls. McCord’s been escorted out of more clubs than a card counter in Vegas. And that goes for restaurants, too. His idea of a tip is “Seabiscuit in the seventh,” and he’s got a pocket full of fishhooks, too. Last time he picked up a check, American Express fraud prevention services called his wife at home to report unusual activity on his card.

Q: I literally started to cry when I saw John Daly miss that 3-footer in the tiebreaker with Tiger Woods at Harding Park. You know John, how do you think he’s doing? Is this going to be just another footnote for the big guy who’s life is like a country/western song or could this be a career-changing event? – Chris Schultz, Alpharetta, Georgia

Don’t worry about John, and stop being such a big girl’s blouse. Johnny’s like my beagle; two seconds after he lays a steamer on the kitchen floor, he’s forgotten it and he’s on to the next adventure. Where’s my ball? Is that stinking squirrel out there? Let’s get him! The only thing that would bother John at this stage of his career is to lose the Hooters sponsorship. That would surely break the man.

Q: Okay David, here’s my laundry list: What’s your: 1.) Shot of the Year, 2.) Player of the Year, and 3.) Predictions for the 2006 PGA Season? – Adam Weinstein, Orlando, Florida

OK Adam, here you go,
1.) Mickelson’s second at the PGA Championship on the 14th(?) on Sunday out of the knee deep rough to 12 feet for birdie. Beyond belief.
2.) Chris DiMarco for his Presidents Cup play. He was fearless, dominating, relentless, enthusiastic and humble, and he had everything to lose. I thought he was brilliant.
3.) Finchem gets outed

And as far as predictions,

  • Clampett checks into language rehab
  • Nantz get caught with Bush ’41 playing naked mumblypeg with Hillary
  • Vijay attends a media day. (not)
  • Golf Channel gets caught placing foam core spectator cut outs at European tour events so it looks like there are more fans there. One of the cutouts wins The Big Break.
  • Mike Tirico goes postal and beats the crap out of Azinger and Faldo.
  • Kent Jones gets surgery to create chin. “I’m sick of it taking me 45 minutes to change a pillow case”.
  • CBS drops Yanni, goes Asian with theme music. Sean McManus says, “It sounds as if an eighteen wheeler full of wind chimes smashing into a Jamaican steel drum band at a bird calling contest. Holy Crap”.

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