If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.
Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).
I’m one pissed off Canadian golf fan, and I need some answers from the oracle of golf. But since Gary McCord doesn’t have a column like this, I’ll just ask you. Just kidding, you da man! I don’t know if you caught the TSN.ca’s interview with Canadian Mike Weir after the final round of the U.S. Open. I’d like your honest opinion of a shamefully bizarre tactic employed by the USGA during the final round. Weir commented on how the greens on the back nine were being watered every other group. So when Weir played certain holes, the greens were harder than when the next group played them after an immediate watering. This is absurdly unfair. I mean, get real. How can that occur in an Open? I wonder what Weir’s playing partner, American Jeff Maggert, thought of the whole thing, and I also wonder if they were watered for Phil Mickelson and not others, say Goosen and Els. I’m really hoping you can use your access to information to find out which holes were watered, why and for whom?
— Fred, Great White North
I’d rather stick my ass in a wood-chipper than waste my time trying to find out which greens were watered, but I know they weren’t watered for anyone in particular. Here’s what happened:
After the second day, the lead was at 6 under, and the USGA panicked at the thought of the winning score getting close to, or even surpassing 10 under. So they stopped watering and put the flags away. Then the wind blew a bit, the whole place got harder than Martha Burk’s heart, and turned into putt-putt. All they needed was the windmill. So they panicked again, sent the grunts out to water during play, and turned the whole thing into a Chinese fire drill. Here’s the acid test. On any given hole, take any great shot from any great player. Then, take a golf ball, shove it up your ass, and blow it in the same general direction. If both balls end up in the same place, then somebody has lost control of the condition of this golf course. It was a great shame to see what happened to Shinnecock, but to be fair, they almost got it right. But they didn’t.
Re the U.S. Open, any word on how the members of Shinnecock have reacted to the USGA killing their golf course? One would expect that the attack attorneys have already been retained.
— Don Lewthwaite
Thankfully, the golf course was not killed, just severely wounded. Word has it that it will have completely recovered by May of 2006, by which time 80 percent of the present membership is expected to have assumed room temperature anyway.
While I have always liked your commentary on the course, I have been really impressed with your knowledge of the trees. Instead of saying, “he has to get over that big tree on the corner,” you’ll actually identify exactly what kind of tree it is. Where did you learn that?
— Tom Timmons, Woodland, Wash.
When I was playing, I spent most of my time in the woods. I adore trees. They’re like relatives to me (except trees are smart and I like them).
What is this shaved eyebrow and ham sandwich deal you talk about in your commercial? My husband and I are intrigued.
— Helen Michlik, St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada
Actually, it was a shaved ham sandwich and a highball. Your husband and you are deaf.
Which golf courses you have designed besides National in Turkey?
— Martti Ratia, Jyvaskyla, Finland
Is Jyvaskyla anywhere near Pjjtsnbbust? I had a coffee enema from a holistic Israeli dentist there once …
Anyway, I helped with the layout for a course near Aldergrove airport in Belfast, the name of which I can’t remember, I did the south course in Pukalot, Trashcanistan; the Resort Course at the Ritz Fartlington Mogadishu, and the Naval Officers Course on the flatulent side of Viequez which the navy now uses for target practice.
Now that Phil Mickelson has won his major, whose turn is it in the barrel?
— George Burger, New Jersey
Either Richard Simmons, Chad Campbell, or Davis Love the Fourth.
Four of us are playing golf in Ireland in August. Since we’re closer to as old as God’s dog than we may care to admit, we regularly visit trees along the fairway, as per the U.S. custom of purging last night’s recreational beverages and today’s coffee. Is such acceptable conduct on Irish courses? I don’t mind being the “ugly American,” and surely, wherever we are, we’ve been thrown out of worse. But I’d be loath to get the gate for avoidable stupidity; particularly if I happened to have parred a few consecutive holes.
— Steve S.
You and your pals could be in deep trouble. Where you’re going to play, there are no trees. Hang it out wherever you want, but first check the area for sheep. Some of them can be very aggressive.