Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Are you serious? You haven’t played more than 9 holes in a day since ’96. What’s your excuse(s)? I’m glad my wife doesn’t read your articles. She’d expect the same from me.
— Ritchie

I’m glad your wife doesn’t read the stuff I write either. Hell, my wife doesn’t read my articles. I get paid to talk and write about golf, not play it. McCord’s the only idiot I know who still thinks he can play the game. You don’t see Marv Albert shooting hoops or Phil Simms tossing the old pigskin around when he’s not announcing football, do you? You think Howard Cosell used to spar with Muhammed Ali? I can still play but not like I used to when I had to in order to pay my bar tab. Besides, my balls hurt when I hit ’em now.

The wife wants to play golf. How can I dodge this bullet?
— Preston Schroer, Brewster, Minnesota

You have several options:

1. Homocide
2. Suicide
3. Self-mutilation
4. Send her to McCord/Kostis golf school
5. Make her watch THE BIG BREAK
6. Divorce her
7. Invite your regular foursome over for an intervention
8. Constantly wager with her for sexual payoffs and beat the pants off her, sort of.
9. Insist on attending her all girls bridge club afternoon

Good luck.

How many times have your heard “nice ball” since your commercial first aired?
— Mark, Grand Blanc, Michigan

Counting your message, 4,625,989, which is good. Means I’m reaching the target demographic: 18- to 55-year-old, unemployed drunks with incontinence issues who don’t play golf, stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night with a transvestite hooker suffering from self-image problems. Whoa, I’ve just described half the residents of Grand Blanc, which is where the Buick Open is played … I knew there was a reason I liked those people.

I always enjoy your writing. However, recently it seems that you take every opportunity to tell us how wonderful Monty is. I know you feel bad about sticking him with the Mrs. Doubtfire label, but you’ve become such a sycophant that Monty is going to need to have your nose surgically removed from his backside. There is no doubt that he’s a great player but what’s the deal?
Kevin Caple, Charlotte, North Carolina

I didn’t actually hang that moniker on him; it was an English pro by the name of John Hawksworth (who is much funnier than I am). Despite his dearth of “majors,” the guy is an extraordinary player, which, to paraphrase, “Nobody can deny.” He won seven European money list titles in a row. And, as you’ve probably noticed, those guys can play. If my nose is up his backside, it’s because I have come to respect the fact that he has assumed a position that has made that possible.

All I hear about Tiger is that his swing change is almost there. My question is, why change when you were the best in the world by no slim margin?
— James

Because golf is a never-ending journey, not a destination. My god, I’m deep today!

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