Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment.

Have you ever heard of anyone who can interpret golf dreams? I keep having the same one over and over. I am playing in the Open Championship and when I get to the 17th tee, my playing partners all tee off perfectly down the dogleg-left fairway. When it is my turn to play, I walk to the tee and it is nothing but stones and I have to hit it dead left to make it out the castle (yes, a castle) door and down the fairway. I am so frozen by the impossibility of the shot that I run away with only my ball, tee, and club out the gates of the championship only to try to return later after mustering up the courage to play the shot. Security takes me away for interrogation. The gruff Scottish head of security accuses me of impersonating a competitor and starts zapping me with a stun gun. Weird, huh? I couldn’t make this one up if I tried.
— Joseph Creswell, Knoxville, TN

Sorry pal, I was with you until the 17th tee. Then I wandered over to the second, and followed John Daly until he turned into a seagull, and then my Ambien wore off, and I woke up, and your letter was still on my screen. Damn!

When you were young on Tour in Britain, I remember you wore a flat cap in wet weather (a bonnet in Scotland). Do you have the bottle to wear it in USA? I still laugh when I picture you with it flat on you head…like an Irish farmer! Cheers from Bonnie Scotland.
— Jim Macmanu, Coatbridge, Scotland

Bonnie Scotland? Have you been in a diving bell for the last 20 years? What the hell is “bonnie” about Scotland? Have you bothered to look out of the window or open the door lately? Ay, Jimmy…it’s pissing down rain, you wanker! Put down yer wee pint and wander out of the pub now and again, boy. Somebody bring me a drink, for god’s sake. This looks like it’s going to be a long day.

I didn’t realize it has been 10 years since McCord was excommunicated from the Masters. I say that punishment has run its time and CBS should stand up for him and have him reinstated (behind a tee instead of a bikini-waxed green, perhaps). Will you join the campaign?
— René Andersson, Veberöd, Sweden

No. And we don’t put commentators behind tees. What would he say, “Gee, Jim, he really hit that one”? And what makes you think I don’t enjoy not having that cross-dressing old goat in my face for one lousy week?

How do you feel about the habit among golf commentators on U.S. television networks of referring to almost everything with the prefix “golf”? It is not as if there could be any confusion between golf and another sport, so what is going on ? Are your fellow commentators, notably the North Americans, so overly challenged in the vocabulary department that they cannot muster other words and expressions ? As you will have guessed, I find it infuriating to witness what amounts to a [dread term] “dumbing down” of the language, and certainly I would encourage you to start a campaign among your fellow broadcasters to cut it out and set a standard for the others out there.
— Tom Wilken, Tokyo, Japan

It’s no surprise to me that you’re living in Japan, Tom. It’s likely you were asked to leave the United States for thinking just like that, you Un-American bastard. Boy, if Joe McCarthy were alive today, why, you would be drummed out of whatever industry you’re in, you commie. I’m not starting any campaigns to proselytize my colleagues to speak differently. We’re not going to be intimidated by you and your ilk. This is still the land of the free and the home of the brave, damn it! If we are too dull to come up with fresh phrases to describe the action, then so be it.

I grew up watching Jack Nicklaus and always admired him as not only one of the finest golfers to every play the game, but I always admired the humble reactions he showed after knowing he beat everyone once again. I still admire the man, but something bothers me when I see him play now. He is very similar to my father, who is not happy with his golf game and wishes he could hit the ball like he did 20 years ago. It’s almost embarrassing to play with him any more. Jack, after almost every shot, looks extremely unhappy. Next time you see Jack, please tell him to just go out and have some fun playing golf and smile more. We like to see golfers enjoying themselves. Thats what the “Champion’s tour” should be all about: Having fun.
— Dennis Mahan, Akumal, Mexico

You’re absolutely right. Jack needs to lighten up, for God’s sake. You know, it could be time for you to think about putting your father to sleep. After all, if he’s that crestfallen about his golf game, think how he must feel about aspects of his so-called life that are actually important. Well, maybe it’s time for you to think about moving on. Have this discussion with him and I’ll bet he might just surprise you a little.

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