Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your question or comment.

My wife takes exception to the use of the phrase “golf shot” by you and your colleagues, as in “That’s a lovely golf shot.” She frequently wonders aloud if you think the viewers might forget what sport they’re watching. Can you give me a punchy response to keep her quiet?
— Tim Dowling, Reston VA

First, you can’t blame me for that one. I give the viewer credit enough to believe he or she knows what sport is on the screen, but why are you watching your favorite sport in the presence of such an evil shrew? The answer to the problem is simple: Build a media room off the side of the garage where you can enjoy listening to us, the mindless, in peace. This would also be a good place to watch porn and assassinate the penguin.

If you can’t afford that, then some snappy responses could be: “Bite me”; “Shut your pie hole, moron”; “Get me a beer, wench”; “When’s dinner?”; or “They say “golf shot” because they think some women might be watching while they’re preoccupied with replacing the drapes in the family room and not realize they’re viewing an actual sporting event.”

How many rounds of golf do you typically play per month? Or in better terms, how many does She Who Must Be Obeyed let you play? Also, when you guys are covering a tournament, do you get to play the course ahead of time, or do you just check out the greens etc.?
— Jack Hannon, Chesapeake, VA

None. I hate golf. Rather, I hate playing golf. She Who Must Be Obeyed would love it if I played more golf. It’d get me out from under her feet. As for playing the course ahead of time — I barely get there on time to do the broadcast, let alone play the course in advance. I read the greens when I see them on the weekend. Then I read the room service menu, the restaurant menu, the wine list and the stupid notes McCord sends me with his latest hair-brained, half-baked idea to produce a television sitcom.

I am keen to read your book but, being a cheapskate, I have not spent the $24.95 to do so. Can you tell me (and others of my ilk) when it will be out in paperback?
— Tom Lendman, Los Angeles CA

It’ll be out in paperback as soon as sales reach 500 copies. From the look of things, that may be in April, 2025.

Recently, on a weekday morning, my foursome of senior golfers (all walking) got behind a fivesome (riding carts) that would not let us through. Our normal 3-hour, 20-minute round turned out to be about 4 hours and 5 minutes. On the ninth tee, after waiting on every full shot for at least three holes, I implored them, rather loudly, to get on with it and hit the ball. After the round was over, a couple of the fivesome guys expressed their displeasure at my exhortation. They seemed to think I was out of place. What’s your take on the slow pace of play that infests our game?
— Frank Watson, Moore, SC

Do you always talk in such a tortured manner or did you spend all night trying to ease a thesaurus out of your rectum? If you guys are all seniors, what’s the hurry? What are you going to miss, sea gulls dropping clams on the rocks or the mailman taking the mail out of the box? While I agree a fivesome should let you through, let’s face it boys, you’re not only on the back nine, you can see the f–king clubhouse. You’ll be playing in the hereafter soon enough, so lighten up and don’t rush it.

Up to this point, Tiger Woods has had few distractions on his way to the top…outside of a few girlfriends. What effect would a brood of Tiger cubs have on the lad’s game?
— Brad Titus, Carlsbad CA

Few distractions??? No, no, my son, our boy is underwater with distractions. How would you like to have to hold bi-weekly strategy meetings to determine how to invest your millions, what your schedule priorities with respect to your sponsors will be, practice, make commercials, attend sponsor outings and appearances, meet with your strategy team consisting of your mother, your father, Mark and Tara Steinberg, (your agent and his wife), the executive director of your foundation, not to mention eat, sleep and play?

Kids would be a welcome diversion.

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