Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your question or comment.

Well it has happened again! Another viewer calls in to say that somebody isn’t playing by the Rules! [Editor’s note: Paul Azinger’s caddy, Ted Scott, pulled the flag on the 13th green as Fred Funk’s putt rolled past at the Bell Canadian Open, resulting in a two-shot penalty for Azinger.] Give me a break! Just wondered what your thoughts were of the PGA or USGA allowing armchair tour players to call in penalties? Thanks for all your great articles.
— Rick Murphy, Vinton, IA

I’d like your opinion on the concept of viewers calling in during tournaments to point out possible Rules violations. Frankly, I think it stinks. Whoever “tattled” on Azinger during the Canadian Open needs to get a life.
— James Evans, San Antonio, TX

What is your opinion on players being penalized for Rules violations called in by television viewers? Personally, since the Rules of golf are there to bring equity to play, not to mention they were written long before your dulcet tones graced the airwaves, I do not think the spirit of the Rules is being upheld. If the Tour officials, or players within the ropes, don’t spot the infraction, then let the player get away with one. These guys are the most honest you’ll find and they don’t try to bend the rules to gain a deliberate advantage.
— James Lively, Chatham, Ontario

Dear Murphy to Evans to Lively to Tinkers to Chance:

Couple of salient points here, boys: First of all, and I can’t say this loud enough, THIS IS AN IDIOTIC RULE! I feel like Susan Powter: “STOP THE INSANITY!” In fact I’ve often thought I looked somewhat like Susan. This Rule has no discernible purpose. Get rid of it. Now.

Secondly, there are only nine Rules officials per tournament, so they can’t be everywhere. For the most part, PGA Tour Rules officials only step in when a player needs a ruling or an interpretation of a Rule. It’s primarily up to the players to self-regulate. If a Rules infraction takes place, it’s usually out of ignorance or misunderstanding of the Rule, not intentional cheating.

You may not be aware of it, but CBS pays viewers $25,000 for every infraction spotted. The first caller wins. Our Coordinating Producer, Lance Barrow, will be glad to give you his cell phone number so you can call if you see anything untoward going on.

I’m a golf novice with a LOVE of the game. My question is, how do I get in more rounds without the hassle and guilt trip from my wife? Should I try to get her interested in the game?
— Bill Root, Centerport, NY

Billy, Billy, Billy…Getting her interested in golf is like teaching her to work the remote; you’ll wind up having to watch horrible stuff all day, the channel never changes and then she’ll want to discuss what happened all the time. Before you know it, you’ll be communicating through your lawyers and fighting over custody of the 983K. No, no, no my friend, this is bad Juju. If she’s giving you a hassle about playing, try laying off for a few weeks and surf the Internet porn world. Leave printouts of penis enlargement ads laying around. Soon you be shooed out the door for the links and there will be no more talk about it. Good luck.

My golf partners and I have a question we can’t find the definitive answer to. Player hits his shot over a hazard but the ball rolls or bounces backwards into the hazard. Where does the player drop the ball? I have heard that you must keep the hazard between you and the hole. But I have also heard that you can drop on the other side of the hazard since the ball landed there first and entered the hazard from that side. Please help us clear this up. Does it matter if the hazard is marked with yellow or red stakes?
— Stephen J. Naylor, Fort Worth, TX

How come your name is spelled that way? What, are you too good for Steven? What’s the “J” stand for, Jon? Anyway, who cares where you drop the stupid ball, you plonker? By your E-mail address, it looks like you’re a lawyer. Figures. I’ll bet you go to Del Frisco’s in Fort Worth and order chicken. Piss off. And take your partners with you, unless they want to take me quail hunting, in which case, you may drop wherever you wish.

Why is it that I hardly ever hear anyone yell “Fore” on a golf course anymore, but every three holes or so I hear someone yell “SKIP!!!”? Even so, I am nearly beaned once per round and never see a ball actually skip all the way across a pond. Thanks for your insight on important matters such as this.
— Darrell Beck, Mount Airy, NC

If you’re hearing “SKIP” and getting hit in the head once a round, you’re probably playing the Kronk Gym in Detroit. Boxers “skip.” Felons on bail “skip.” Try playing a course that actually has more turf than water, being especially careful to avoid places with names like “Kemper Lakes” or “River Highlands.” By the way, nobody yells “FORE” anymore because it’s more fun to see someone writhing on the ground holding his nose together than it is to watch him dive for cover. It’s like crashes at NASCAR events — really the only reason anyone watches.

Is Tiger EVER qoing to win again? This guy just ain’t with it this year, huh?
— Brian, Gaithersburg, MD

What’s the “bj” stand for in your E-mail address? Never mind.

No, Tiger will never win again. He’s through. Washed up. He’s going to concentrate on American Express, Buick and TAG Heuer commercials. His driving’s erratic, his iron play is okay but he’s putting with the hands of a Sturgeon. Scotty Cameron’s petitioned to legally change his name. My prediction is Tiger will run for Governor of California and lose to Gary Coleman.

Where can I send you a review copy of The Texas Golf Bible?
— Jason Stone, Dallas, TX

I don’t review books, I write them, you nimrod. Don’t ever send me any books that have the words Texas, Golf or Bible in them. For that matter, don’t send me any books that have words in them period. Send me books with only pictures. Books with words make my head hurt. Besides, it more fun to see the reaction of the bozos next to me on the plane when I open a book with only pictures in it. Send me books with pictures of shotguns in them. Yea, that’s it, shotguns.

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