Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Have you ever taught She Who Must Be Obeyed how to play golf? Do you play (golf that is) together? Your thoughts on the subject in general.
— Vladimir

Vlad. Have you lost your mind? No man should teach his wife to play, you cretin, and the reason is obvious. She might like it! Obviously, you’re Russian, and it is questions like this that point out some of the disadvantages of freedom of the press. If the KGB were still a force, you would be clapped in irons and have electrodes attached to your testicles running to a car battery that would be switched on periodically until you promised to never bring up the subject again.

The other day at work I was bored so I rifled through a stack of magazines in the corner. I read an article in GOLF MAGAZINE that you had written about women athletes (Sept. 2002). The last few paragraphs made me well up; I myself was in your place not to long ago. My question is how is Erin and is she playing golf? Good day!
— C.M. Bond

Hey, what the hell were you doing in my place? Where was I, on the road somewhere? You bastard. Oh, I see what you mean. Sorry, C.M.

Erin is lovely, thank you. She isn’t playing golf yet, but I will surely expose her to it as she becomes more able to handle the physical aspects of it. I don’t really much care what sport she chooses to play, as long as she has fun and approaches whatever she decides with enthusiasm and commitment.

My cousin Douglas Rea grew up playing golf in Bangor, Northern Ireland. Any chance you knew him? He’s about 5 years your senior.
— Brian Keith

I do know Dougie Rea and next time you see him tell him I’m still waiting for the money he owes me for taking his astonishingly homely sister to the dance at the Convent of the Mothers of Perpetual Pain. Better yet, I’m going to be in Bangor this month for an AT&T gig. Send me his address. I’ll send a couple of my buddies from the RUC around to collect. By the way, he was a hell of a rugby player.

Hi David. About two years ago you actually phoned me to answer a question I had asked. I ended up sending you a green Canadian Coast Guard shirt. Just a couple of weeks ago you MC’ed Mike Weir’s charity tournament in Sarnia. I was standing right beside you but didn’t have the balls to say “Hi” because I was helping a journalist friend of mine and didn’t think it would be professional. Anyway, next time you’re in Sarnia I’d like to smoke a nicely aged Cuban and perhaps have a little nip at the course with you. I’ll be the press guy watching the pros’ golf swing instead of taking shots!

Hope to see you next year.
— Steve Klamer

Weir’s gig is one of my favorites. No one considers it professional to say hello to me. I prefer amateurs anyway; they’re less pretentious. And just for the record, I don’t think you should be smoking “nicely aged Cubans,” my friend. I mean how would you like it if Castro fired up one of our senior citizens? And if we’re gonna have a nip or two, let’s do it in a nice pub. The only time I set foot on an actual course these days is when CBS is paying me.

At which hole should you aim if you are so hung over that you see two or more of them?
— Dan Bergthold, St. Paul, Minnesota

If there are two, aim at the one in the middle. For more than two, just pick the closest. We are talking golf, here, Dan? Aren’t we?

I have been a big fan for years and really enjoy your columns. How long, on average, does it take you to come up with answers to these questions? Do you just rattle them off or need hours to make them sound funny? I know this is not golf related, but it gives you a chance to talk about yourself.
— Geoff Povinelli, Magnolia, Texas

Fortunately the only people who write to me are complete idiots. This makes it very simple to answer their questions. In fact, sometimes I just ignore them and write something completely irrelevant. (Rather like this.)

Hey, on the other hand, what do mean, “funny”? I’ll have you know I don’t think there is anything funny at all about my responses. And I don’t need to spend time talking about myself. That’s what I pay my friends to do. Sorry, I’m being harsh. Thanks for your support.

You are the most insane of all golf writers and I love reading your pieces. If they ever fire you, I would have to stop reading the magazine for at least a week.

My question (or plea) would be to get your support for an official designation for Duffer’s Rules. Duffer’s Rules are based on the observation that they are out there and probably won’t go away, so we need to ensure they play fast and get off the course. The basic ideas behind Duffer’s Rules is ensure fast play and improve their enjoyment of the game.

1. A Duffer always plays best ball with another of the foursome (preferably not another duffer).

2. A Duffer can always improve their lie (even to the point of a forward carry).

3. Lost balls, out-of-bounds, water hazards are given a free drop in the fairway.

4. Eight shots is the maximum score, and Duffers are required to pick up their ball after shooting an 8.

5. Asking for advice is encouraged as long as it is quick and acted upon quickly.

6. When a Duffer plays quickly, he is awarded by subtracting a few shots. (Something like speed golf). This would definitely encourage fast play.

The rules are more extensive, but this gives you the gist of the idea. Only you have the reputation to submit this idea and not be laughed off the magazine. Please help me distribute these rules and get those duffers moving along.
— Matt Little, Bear, Delaware

Matt Little Bear: Is that a full blooded Indian name? If they ever fire me from GOLF MAGAZINE, I’ll sue them — for a broken heart. I love those guys and nobody else has the salt to hire me. But they better come up with some serious chalupa this time around. The crooks I play with have already adopted those rules and some others I can’t talk about.

Recently, I reached into my basket — by the john, of course — and found a December 2003 GOLF MAGAZINE issue. I read your “That Dog Will Hunt” SideSpin story and almost broke the john laughing when I read the part about the Chap Stick in the chamber.

The reason I laughed so hard was that about 50 years ago (yes, 50!) a friend of mine (Butch Jaworski) and I were hunting rabbits (or whatever popped up). Butch had a single shot 410 and had a head cold, and I had a JC Higgins bolt action 16 ga. (Nothing but the best!)

Well, a pheasant popped up. Butch took a shot, and of course, he missed. He quickly reached into his pocket for another shell and reloaded and all we heard was a “click.” We both looked down at his 410, which was pointed downward, and out of the end of the barrel came sliding out his Chap Stick. I told him that, at least now, the pheasant could breathe OK and then ran like hell.

This is a true story. But what the hell, we had fun anyways. In fact we have (or at least, I have anyways) more fun re-telling this story then we had when we were hunting.

Keep up those Sidespin stories. I love ’em!
— Bill Balyszak, Auburn, New York

Lovely story Billy. But why did you run? Were you afraid he was going to moisturize you?

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