Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

When Colin Montgomerie got heckled at the U.S. Open, everyone told him to quit whining about it and play golf. When Davis Love III gets heckled [at the Match Play Championship in February] while playing with Tiger, everyone is up in arms. Have golf fans become worse or is this a case of the personalities involved?
–Dave Hodgson, Vancouver, British Columbia

No professional sport allows the fans to get as close to the players as golf does. The quid pro quo is that proximity comes with a price; in this case, courtesy. That’s the nature of the sport. What happened to Monty at the Open was a disgrace, regardless of who the target was. It certainly doesn’t help if the player reacts. The DL3 incident was a little different. The guy was playing head games with Davis. That can be even more disconcerting and distracting than some drunk just screaming at you. Davis has said he would handle it differently if he had it to do over again. I would have said nothing myself, but let me say this. That man would have had a visit from a large Sicilian man named Guido. In the future, the player will simply advise the rules official and let them handle it. The player will not be directly involved in a confrontation with the fan.

But that’s one of the problems with golf; there’s no defense on the field. Players should be allowed to interfere with one another’s swing, and head butt stroppy fans. A perfectly executed, well timed body block should be part of the strategy. Cross-checking should be encouraged. Now THAT would be fun to watch. John Daly taking out Corey Pavin. Yes!

I speak English, American English for this matter, and never had the opportunity to be in Ireland or whatever town you came from, so I’m not familiar with a lot of the slang and terms used in your columns and books and by some of your peers. Now that you are an assimilated Texan and since golf is another one of your homeland gifts to the world, I think it would be fair for you to write some sort of glossary of golf terms, specially for us with non-UK heritage, I promise to read again some of your gypsy terms plagued columns…
— Martin Lopez, Irvine CA

Not a bad idea. Maybe I can compose an entire piece out of Anglo-Celtic slang terms and phrases, which would render it as incomprehensible as your last four words. Or then again, I could just take my own life.

I am in my 50s and playing worse than ever. I have this terrible habit of sliding forward through the downswing so that I am way ahead of the ball. Now, on some days I top it, some days hit it fat, and occasionally fan it. At one time, I was a 12 handicap. Now, I am only barely making slight contact with the ball. I cannot stop sliding. Other than quitting, how can I stop this bad habit?
— Bob Mathis, New Orleans

Are you any relation to Johnny? Man, that guy can sing; even if he is a little light on the loafers. Top, fat and fanny, eh? Sliding is okay in baseball and waterskiing, but bad for golfers. Try this: load an AK47 with a full clip and set it up on a tripod. Release the safety, and set it on full automatic — we don’t want any flinching here. After you have taken your stance, aim the weapon directly at your left gonad. Then run a strand of picture wire through the trigger and attach it to your belt so that when you move forward during your swing, the gun fires. I absolutely GUARANTEE you will never slide again, or at the very worst you’ll only do it once. Hell, you said you’re in your fifties. I mean, how much do you have to live for anyway?

Why are there no Europeans in the world top 10? Now that Padraig Harrington’s hair matches a pop idol, his game has fallen away.
— David Collick, London

Dave, are you looking at the Sea World top 10? Check the world rankings, and bear in mind that Ernie Els, Mike Weir, Vijay Singh, Stuart Appleby, Retief Goosen and Charlize Theron, are not American, therefore they must be European.

I have an autographed photo of you and me, taken at a company tournament. In these trying economic times, can you tell me what it’s worth?
— Brad Jones, Lawrenceville, GA

It’s obviously priceless. Send it to me, and I’ll autograph it too.

I would to comment on your style of writing. I’ve read all the columns on GOLFONLINE and find them entertaining, to say the least. What I find somewhat disturbing, is that you seem to be getting meaner with your commentary. It doesn’t appear as much “witty” as it does “mean”, or at the very least, more cynical than in the past. Just my observation. I do still enjoy you on television and hope that I am wrong with the above.
— Ken Rimes, Savannah, GA

You’re right, I am getting meaner and more cynical, and occasionally even mindlessly judgmental, you idiot, cracker son of a bitch.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, Kenny, that was just the Vicodin talking. Bear in mind that I very seldom insult anyone but my friends. It’s kind of what I do. If I say something nice to you, you might want to watch out though. Also, I’m getting toward the end of writing another book, which is making me suicidal. I always hated homework.


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