Feherty's mailbag

Feherty’s mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your question or comment.

What are the proper amounts to tip caddies, cart attendants, valets, clubhouse personnel, forecaddies, etc.? Does it elevate with the price of the greens fee or the quality of service? The only proper gratuity I’m sure of is the bartender.
— Frank McElwain, Ellwood City, PA

I like to tip enormously, as it gives people the impression I’m very important, or clever, or something, but I think the normal, not particularly important, or clever person might do worse than go by this set of guidelines:

Caddies: Tip 20 percent of the caddie fee, or one dollar for every tooth in his head, or, (in the case of a Leap Year) one dollar for every day in February, provided it’s not forecast to rain the following Wednesday. If you’ve enjoyed your round, you can’t tip too much. Caddies are an endangered species.

Cart Attendants: If the cart has a gravity brake, no tip is warranted. However, if it’s quick enough to jettison your partner, or at least soak his shirt in beer, slip the guy a five spot.

Valets: For 911 Turbo drivers and above, (which it isn’t possible to be, without looking like a total idiot) the valet collects five dollars and they should pay up with a grin. All others should tip between three and five bucks.

Clubhouse personnel: One half of one percent of the total number of handicap parking spaces at the nearest grocery store, divided by the average square yardage of the course’s tee boxes, plus, if you’re still reading this, you might actually be dumb enough to tip a member of the clubhouse staff other than the bartender, to whom you should always give at least 10 bucks before you start drinking. He or she is the only one whose attention you actually need. Moving right along…

Forecaddies: Fore bucks fore each member of the foresome.

I hope this helps, it certainly cleared it up for me.

I have asked this before, but no one will answer. Do the pros pay an entrance fee to enter a tournament and if so, how much?
— Jerry Billings, Farmington, NM

Good question! Unfortunately, in order to answer it properly, I’d have to engage in the kind of physical effort which I have steadfastly resisted for more than 40 years. Like making a phone call. However, I can tell you that the last time I entered a PGA Tour event, it cost me the princely sum of a hundred bucks. I don’t recall if I made my investment back either. [Editor’s note: PGA Tour pros no longer pay entrance fees for PGA tournaments.]

My husband and I enjoy your columns and commentary. However, ever since reading “The Mighty Hunter,” he has taken to repeating the phrase “she can shoot the balls off a squirrel.” So often in fact, that I’m thinking about buying a gun because he’s starting to look a little squirrelish. Any advice?
— Margaret Duffy, Lackawanna, NY

Any advice? You bet I’ve got advice girl, and if I you don’t mind me saying so, you sound exactly like the sort of woman who should be married to a man like your husband, even if he does look like a squirrel. Go straight out and buy a nice 20 gauge for yourself, get the old man a 28 (both should be at least 28-inch barrels) and make sure the stock on yours is fitted to you properly, as a woman’s upper chest and shoulder is a different shape to a man’s (with the exceptions being me and Tim Herron). If you can find a golf course that lets you shoot while you play, give me a call back and I’ll join you both. What a concept!

David, taking nothing away from Tiger Woods, as he is the “No. 1” golfer in the world. Now that that is said, WHY does the media especially the goly media push “Tiger Woods” on everyone? I’ll explain: even if Tiger is 6, 7, 8 shots back of the leader, you guy’s will still show him, but do you show othe golfers in the same bracket or even his playing partners?? Another example is: if someone is 7 under and Tiger birdies a hole, you’ll put “His” name ahead or on top, “WHY”??? It doesn’t belong ther! I would have to say 90 out of every 100 guys I know don’t like to watch golf (PGA Tour) instead they would rather watch the Champion Tour or nothing at all! None of this is “Tigers” fault it is the media, and you guys are runoning it!
— Bob Williams, Phoenix, AZ

You utter twit.

All I can say is that if 90 out of 100 of your closest friends would rather watch the Champions Tour because the networks show too much of Tiger, you need to kick the other 10 out of whichever chapter of the Klan you attend. Given the command of the English language you demonstrate in your letter, I’m led to believe the word closest is a typo, and you meant to write closet. If we are (the media) indeed runoning something, then I hope to go down in history as one of the lead runoners.

Sawasdee from the land of smiles. As a member of the G.W.A.A. your consistently witty and hilarious comments and insights on golf and life have enriched my life immeasurably. That said, what I really want to know is…What is your top-10 list — like David Letterman — of the most amazing shots you have witnessed Tiger Woods hit during competition?
— Peter Andraes, Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand

If I’ve enriched your life immeasurably, it must have been a sad and lonely one for sure. I love people with low standards. The hard part about making a list of Tiger’s top-10 shots is stopping at 10. I used to have clear mental pictures of all the great players I’ve played with over the last 25 years, and the extraordinary shots that they hit, but one by one, Tiger has deleted them like E-mail and replaced them with images of him and his. And I’m still listening to certain idiot announcers droning on about how things were tougher when they played, because Nicklaus was there, and Watson, and Trevino, and how today’s players like Els, and Mickelson, and Olazabal, and Garcia, are such wusses because they can’t beat Tiger. What a load of bollocks. It’s an insult to Tiger, and an insult to the extraordinary players who compete against him. Two things — No, they aren’t bad, and yes, he is that good. Getting over it would help.

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