Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

As an avid sod-thrower, ditch-digger and abuser of the fairway (and rough, tee box and anything else that happens to get in the way of a wickedly swung 5-iron), I have thoroughly enjoyed your columns and books. Of course, the very idea that you are being paid disgusting amounts of money to write about, not even play, a game makes me insane with jealousy, but I digress.

I hail from a horrid patch of useless clay known as “Kansas.” We Kansans are not completely bereft of all that is golf, but I do weary of discerning rules interpretations for tumbleweeds and prairie dog holes. Have you ever played (and I use that term loosely) golf in Kansas? While we don’t have the driving rain, cold, hills and drunk locals careening about the course — no, wait… scratch that last bit — that you had in Ireland, we can easily match the wind. If you have had the debatable pleasure of bouncing a lofted wedge off a rock-hard prairie green to the next fairway, where did you play?

Keep up the good work. You bring continue to bring smiles and even, dare I say it, a chuckle now and again.
— Brian Buselt, Wichita, Kansas

I don’t for the life of me understand why all of you idiots like me. Doesn’t anyone know how to complain any more? It’s not as if I’m not a total a-hole either. If you’ve bothered your arse to read any of this crap, you’ll notice that I’m insulting, irritable, illiterate, and ill. You’re right about one thing though; the amounts of money I’m paid are disgusting. I need more and I need it more often.

Never played in Kansas. The Wizard of Oz scared the hell out of me; still does. I have either played with on the European Tour, worked with at CBS Golf or met on airplanes, pretty much everybody in that movie. The only one I ever thought made any sense was Toto. No, no my friend, if I go anywhere near Kansas, I will be carrying a gun and looking for John Ringneck (for my idiot editor, that’s a pheasant rooster).

I have played in a golf league for a couple of years. I have a buddy who I always bet with. Well, because I am an incredible talent, I generally pummel him. Now he doesn’t want to bet me anymore. As someone who used to get pummeled regularly on tour, could you recommend some new bets so that I could continue to pummel him.
— S. Allison

Either he’s an idiot or your “incredible talent” is sandbagging him, which still makes him an idiot. What kind of cad takes delight in pounding the handicapped? Why not try boxing the blind, tossing the midget, or bowling against shut-ins? Or, you could try losing a couple of times and hold yourself for a price as they say in horse racing.

I’ve only been playing golf for a couple of years, and I’m trying to play the right way. But my golf buddies seem to play a different type of game. Should there be a set number of mulligans during an 18-hole round? I say one per six pack, per player. What’s your opinion?
— Bill Nellums, Louisville, Kentucky

I knew a lot of guys in Ireland named Mulligan but we never had to set any limits on how many we played with. What happens if you can’t find anybody named Mulligan that week? Do you still play? Oh, hang on, I get it. You’re talking about free shots, do-overs and that. I believe in reverse mulligans. In other words, whenever you want a player to take a shot over again, he should have to. Say like if he makes a 40-foot putt for eagle; make him do it again. It’s more fun. Hell, any schmuck can follow up a bad shot with a good one. Try two good ones in a row.

You are such a funny man. Love your answers. Here’s my question: Since they have vested knighthood on some rock stars (Paul McCartney, Elton John, etc.) is there an English golfer to ever have that title? Sir David Feherty sounds good to me.
— Tesoro D. De Guzman, Jr., Lake Forest, Calif.

I’ve always fancied the old knighthood thing, but I think the royal family are mostly idiots, so it probably won’t happen.

Are you an official big-time personality now or were you always one? First, it was a book and the obvious speaking engagements. With your wit and eloquent tongue, those things are expected. Next, you get what looks to be a nice endorsement with Cobra doing their commercials. Then you are talking to the celebs at Pebble Beach and one of them says he called you to help him with his Belfast accent for an upcoming role. That has “big time” written all over it. Please say you are still just an average Joe. Thanks!
— David Castle, Garland, Texas

Hey, I’d just like to have an average Dick.

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