Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

A science question: I’ve heard that a frozen golf ball loses 20 percent of its bounce. Can you confirm this? When “thawed” does it regain all its bounce again? I store my clubs in the garage over the winter (it freezes here in Minnesota) and now wonder if it has been affecting the performance of my golf balls.
— Steve in Minnesota

Thank God you told me you were from Minnesota, otherwise I would have thought you were just deranged. I’ve come to expect this sort of question from people from Minnesota who seem to focus enormous amounts of intellectual energy on issues surrounding their freezing balls. Can’t say as I blame them.

Your golf balls are definitely affected by temperature during the winter. Here’s what I would recommend. About mid-March (March 17th is a good target date), gather all your golf balls from the garage. Wash them. Take them to your local bar. Order an empty beer pitcher and two bottles of Black Bush. This is an Irish whiskey made in Northern Ireland and possesses extraordinary curative capabilities. Place the balls in the pitcher and fill the pitcher with enough whiskey to cover the balls. Swirl the balls around in the whiskey for a couple of minutes. Use a swizzey stick if you want. Do not add ice to this mixture under any circumstance; these balls have been through enough.

Gather some friends from the bar around; you’ll need them soon enough. After about 20 minutes in the Black Bush, strain the balls from the whiskey and dry them off carefully on a clean terry cloth towel. Drink the whiskey straight up from shot glasses with your friends until exhausted or drunk. Then take the balls out into the alley and set them on fire and never use them again, because they’re worthless and always were. Give up golf and take up windsurfing.

I think they should put microphones on some caddies from the European Tour (especially those from Ireland). These guys are funny as hell and really tell it like it is (if you can understand them).
— John

Good lord, what a recipe for a broadcasting train wreck! Picture Lenny Bruce, Howard Stern and Opie and Anthony on speed with Irish accents dispensing bons mots like Raisinettes. We might hear something like this: “I’d like a word in your earhole, you f****** wanker. When I f****** tell you to hit a God****, f******* 5-iron, I don’t want to debate the decision. I didn’t come out here at 5 in the f****** morning and walk off the f****** yardage so you could hit a f****** 6 in the f****** drink. Arsehole!” It’s bad enough we put a microphone on McCord.

Just read the Ryder Cup book. Nice job. I don’t claim any detailed knowledge of Lefty’s facial or other anatomy, but that does not look like him with Crenshaw on page 304. Looks more like Ron Howard to me. Was he a captain’s choice that year?
— Dr. J

Loved you during the ABA years, you were the best. You still have the house on the course at Lake Nona? Great place.

The picture was shot from a funny angle but it was Phil all right. We recognized him from the subcutaneous fat.

There was this one round I played back when I was still playing college golf where I racked up 6 straight birdies (7 in all in the round), but still ended up with a measly 75 (on a par 72). I had 7 birdies, 10 bogeys, and 1 par. Afterwards, I wanted to jam my 6-iron up my butt. Have you ever had a round in your pro golf career where you didn’t make a single par?
— Tristan Valerio, Manila, Philippines

Is that where all those envelopes come from?

I’m not sure I ever played a round without a single par, but I sure as hell remember a double bogey. By the way, if you’re going to shove a club up your ass. A 6-iron is the wrong selection. Trust me here, I’ve had many, many a club up my butt. It usually happens when I fall down on the practice range. Too much loft will cause more spin than you want on the way out. I don’t want to get too technical here, but you really don’t want too much backspin on anything to do with your arse.

While I truly enjoy watching the PGA Tour on TV I will say they are ruining recreational golf. The speed at which these morons play golf is horrific. My suggestion is to have a world ranking of the slowest of the slow. Put the habitual offenders names in lights. I see 12-year-old kids at my course lining up putts from 14 different angles, it is a joke. HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!I can’t take it anymore. What is your take????
— W.W. Willy

If that’s your real name, your parents are heroes to me.

Wanna speed it up? Have everybody punch in when they get to the first tee like they were going to work on an assembly line. Then charge them in accordance with how long they were on the course. Set a par for time, say 3 hours, 40 minutes. Anything less, you get 20 percent of the green fee back; anything more, you get charged by the minute.

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