Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Send your best question or comment to [email protected] (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

You are so young and still very talented. Why did you stop competing? I remember the ’91 Ryder Cup matches. You were unstoppable.
— Tobin Bogard, Newport Beach. Calif.

A perceptive person you are Tobin, but you left out fat, and yet strangely attractive. And I was unbearable, not unstoppable. Sam Torrance, Payne Stewart and an inordinate fear of letting my side down propelled me through the ’91 Ryder Cup. That experience was as close as you can come to the electric chair without actually frying. Contrary to popular opinion, not all the Irish are thick. I knew I could never be number one at playing, but talking? Now that’s a pig with a different snout.

Hey David, love your columns and wit on the TV broadcasts. You and McCord keep things in perspective. Can you give us an update on David Duval? Is this a clear case of how mental the game of golf is? I think that, in his short career, he has been very good for golf and is a great talent.
— Dion Hannum, Alhambra, Calif.

David was suffering from vertigo problems the last few years, and balance may be the single most important element in a successful golf swing. Without gallons of it, you simply can’t make proper contact. For proof, before you go out to play next time, chug down about a quart of Bushmills, and then take a lash at it. I have tried this many times and I know what I’m talking about. David’s very funny, quirky, and clever, and I don’t think his problems are as mental as they are physical. It would be great to see him back on tour and playing well, but if it doesn’t happen, he’s still an Open Champion to me.

Would you ever consider coming back to the UK and working for the BBC? You seem like the natural successor to Peter Allis, talking about anything but golf at times but in a very entertaining way.
— Lars Salmon, London

Good God, man. Is Peter ill? I’d be more suited to take Prince Charles’s place, don’t you think, old fruit? Besides, I don’t think I could work for anyone who let John Cleese get away.

Anyway, they want me to work but they don’t want to pay, and I’m kind of old-fashioned when it comes to that.

My father is a big golf fan and loves to play the game. We used to play every weekend until he was diagnosed with cancer and had to go through treatment. Could you please send him something to cheer him up? thank you very much.
— Andy, Atlanta

Certainly I will. I’ll send him something I know will cheer him up. You. You are the reason he played every weekend with you. Your dad knows the value of time now, and every minute he spends with you will be precious, whether it’s on or off the golf course. Make him promise to play again as soon as he can, and hold the old fart to it. Write to me and let me know when you play your next round, and I’ll join you if I can. Good luck.

By the way, I once sent McCord a fart in a ziplock bag. If your father would like one, it would be my pleasure.

My question may be a little odd, but here goes. Have you, or any tour pros that you may know, ever attended a Grateful Dead concert or listened to their music while out on Tour? I guess my question is this — is there such a thing as a PGA Tour pro who’s a Deadhead? I do know Michael Allen, and I’m pretty sure that he grew up on Jerry Garcia.
— Gary Rotter, Scottsdale, Ariz.

The only tour Deadhead I know for sure is Fluff Cowan, Jim Furyk’s caddie. I’m sure there were other players who were familiar with the band, like Peter Jacobsen for example, but I don’t know if he qualifies as a true Deadhead in the purest sense because he remembers part of the seventies. But Fluff definitely cried when Jerry assumed room temperature.

I’ve been following golf coverage for a couple of years now and I really like what you do on the CBS team. You and McCord are the best ever man!!! Here’s my question. Who are you a bigger fan of, Tiger or Phil?
— Sergio Montiel, New York, N.Y.

I can’t decide whether I prefer Tiger or Phil, or for that matter Ernie. I like ’em all for different reasons. Tiger’s got intensity, drive, intelligence and extremely rare focusing power. Phil’s personable, self-effacing, possesses uncanny skill with a wedge, likes to gamble and will stand there for two hours and sign autographs until the very last kid leaves. Ernie is a big friendly giant, and if he ever gave a rat’s ass, he could probably beat the other two’s best ball. Maybe we could combine them and call it Tigernie MickELSon. Those three would be a fine pair, if ever I saw one.

Do you think that “distance finders” should be allowed in competition? As strokesavers and advice from caddies are allowed.
— Gordon, Cumbernauld

Where the hell is Cumbernauld? I think I may have exposed myself there once after a tournament.

I think absolutely anything that helps a person score better should be allowed. You should be able to fire flaming arrows into the back of your opponent, use a dwarf as a sand wedge, check with the blimpcam to ascertain where your errant shot may have gone, have séances in the locker room and use naked exotic dancers as caddies. It’s all about ratings for me now.

Maybe I was busy or something but I totally missed the R&A adopting the USGA ball size. Was the smaller ball better is windy conditions? And with tournament golf bags being bigger than my Aunt Wanda how many clubs does a professional travel with? What other stuff is in the bag? Thanks for all the laughs. I have reoccurring nightmares of McCord in a rubber teddy. Please suggest a cure.
— Harry Heilmann, Silver Plume, Colo.

The small ball was longer and easier to hit into the wind and crosswind, but it was tougher to fidget with around the green Personally, I thought the British changed because the bigger ball was more difficult for English setters to swallow and they were eating them by the gross. They proved to be difficult to, um, let’s say, pass. Vets all over the place had to go in and do something like a Dunlop Cesarean section.

Pros play with 14 clubs in accordance with the rules. They don’t travel with many more, although they may have an extra putter, wedge or driver if they’re experimenting with something. All of the club manufacturers dispatch a mobile club repair facility to virtually every tournament in the country. So if the pro needs some thing repaired or replaced or wants to try something new, they are right there to accommodate them. The caddie is hauling around 40 to 50 pounds every day as it is, so they don’t take a lot of extra stuff. Generally they have the same stuff you carry around in yours: extra gloves, balls, Preparation H, tees, ball markers, narcotics and whiskey.

The only cure for recurring dreams of McCord in a rubber teddy is to imagine him without the teddy and standing in front of you with nothing on but a red silk, high cut thong bikini with the “Magnum Pouch.” I guarantee you will wake up screaming every time, but you will wake up.