Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

If you could come out of retirement and win one major, which one would it be?
— Dave Hodgson, Vancouver

This isn’t some kind of “deal with the devil scam,” is it? Like if you let me win the major of my choice, will I have to spend an eternity scrubbing skid marks out of McCord’s boxers? What’s your real name, Dave, Mephistopholes? Beelzebub? I’m not falling for that old ruse, you bastard. Besides, if I came out of retirement, I wouldn’t settle for less than the Automotive Grand Slam: the Buick Open, the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, the Nissan Open, and the Ford Championship at Doral. I need cars, dammit, not claret jugs.

This is not a golf question as much as a golfer question. Recently someone in my family went to one of those genealogy websites and found out we were descended from a long line of Scottish lunatics, and that we are distantly related to Monty. My question is, in your opinion, what are the chances of him finding out where I live and asking for money?
— Sincerly worried,
T. Montgomery

Hey, after the wife from hell got through with him he was lucky he still had most of his internal organs. But I’m predicting he’ll win a major this year and he won’t need your money, not that there’s much chance you would give him any, you Scottish tightwad.

OK, Feherty, fess up. You stole the phrase “she who must be obeyed” from the BBC series “Rumpole of the Bailey” starring Leo McKern and written by John Mortimer!! I expect nothing less than a full confession on national TV. Then maybe I’ll buy your books.
— Larry Nanook, Lapeer, Michigan

Nanook of the North:

I’ll confess as soon as John Mortimer admits he stole it from the leader of a matriarchal tribe in Bophutaswana, Africa. A real fence doesn’t steal stuff; he redistributes it with prejudice. That’s what Mozart did with Vivaldi anyway.

When are you going to pass around the single malt so your sidekicks will stop calling you FERRETY as in….and on the course DAVID FERRETY…..or is there a FERRET involved somewhere???
— Bob Koz, FDNY (the hot corner), New York City

It’s so close, it’s hard to call. Hell in New York, your buddies probably pronounce your name “KAZ”, and somebody needs to explain Brett “Favre” to me, like I could give a fart. FEE-HERTY doesn’t roll off the American tongue all that easily, and as long as they get it right on the paycheck, they can call me whatever they want, as long as it’s after 10 a.m. And it’s still a damn sight better than what they called me back home. My father couldn’t even agree with my uncle Jack on how to pronounce it.

To say I am disappointed would be an understatement. I placed an order on amazon.com for your book “A Beastly Turn of Events”. I must have dropped the ball last year because I don’t remember this coming out. When I first read “A Nasty Bit of Rough,” the woman sitting next to me on my flight must have thought I was a raving lunitic, especially after I almost threw up from laughing so hard while she was sleeping. But enough of that. I wanted to read the new book. Is it released? Thanks.
— Chris

Ah yes, “A Beastly Turn of Events.” Thank you for bringing it up, you bridge troll. I’ve missed that deadline by about three years, a fact of which my publisher occasionally reminds me. But thanks for trying to buy it. I do have a new compilation titled, “An idiot for all seasons,” which will be out in a month or so. Hopefully you’ll blow chunks again.


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