Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

I enjoy your commentary and your columns. I especially enjoyed your “stick of dynamite and a sand wedge” comment on Phil Mickelson’s lie in the rough on the 16th hole on Sunday of the PGA Championship. My wife, who is frequently subjected to watching me play Tiger Woods 2005, almost shot her drink out her nose and promptly exclaimed, “I can’t believe he just said that! I thought he just said things like that on the game!” My question: My father-in-law really enjoys golfing with my brother-in-law and I. About a year ago he was in a horse riding accident and broke seven ribs. He is now golfing again, but he starts to get tired after 12 holes or so. Any recommendations on how to keep energy up in the latter holes of a round? P.S. If you’re ever in Salt Lake City, we’d love a fourth.
— Justin McBride, Salt Lake City, Utah

You don’t own that boot company, do you? Man, I love those boots. By the way, when your bride shot her drink out her nose, I hope she didn’t get any on the dog. They hate that; don’t ask me how I know.

Slip a Cialis tablet in his beer on the thirteenth tee, have your Mom call him on his cell and make suggestions as to what may be waiting for him after the round. He’ll perk right up.

Thanks for the invite, but I try to avoid Utah. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir scares the crap out of me.

I firmly believe television golf analysts will be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes. I particularly curse the one who first told us to put a mark on the ball to line up our putts. I have a friend who now religiously marks and lines up every six-inch putt. He is still on 27, he still putts like crap, but now it takes us five hours to get round. He also uses a club to line up his feet AND his shoulders on each fairway shot — more tips from television analysts. Please, please, tell them to stop it right now.
— Steve, Brisbane, Australia

Hey, here’s a radical idea for you, (I’m yelling here), GIVE THE POOR BASTARD THE SIX INCH PUTT AND MOVE TO THE NEXT F–KING TEE? You’re killing me here.

However, you do have a point which I will award you with respect to television lessons. There should be a disclaimer like on those car commercials that show some clown jumping the Grand Canyon in a Neon while on the bottom of the screen they’re telling you he is a trained driver (by who, Robin Williams?), it was on a closed course and you should not attempt. No s–t, really? The bottom of the screen would say something like: “If you’re foolish enough to believe that you can be taught golf by watching this moron on the television, at least disguise your stupidity by NOT emulating this useless drill on the golf course.” Tips are for waitresses.

I have a question about which title to use in polite society when referring to Annika Sorenstam. As you know, Annika is the only woman to shoot a 59 in a LPGA event. She has been know ever since as “Mrs. 59”. Since she is divorced should I continue to use the Title “Mrs. 59” or should I change to “Mz. 59”.
— Politically Correct, Upland CA

Ah, California…Arnold hasn’t proselytized all of you yet, eh?

First of all, you should avoid polite society at all costs. There is nothing to be gained from hanging around these stiffs. They’re fartless, belchless, scratchless, humorless wankers and some of them are completely sober Democrats. Oh, and by the way, I think I discovered the cure for depression — beating the s–t out of Tom Cruise. It would certainly cheer me up.

As to Annika, she should never have been referred to as Mrs. Anything to begin with since she didn’t change her name when she got married. In any case I prefer hyphenated women. I shall call her Ms. Sorenstam-59.

I had the great experience of getting an up-close look at the PGA Championship (working for a local media outlet gave me some sweet access). As you strolled past the gallery (mob) following Mr M. on the fourth on Sunday, folks were yelling “hey!” and stuff and you were stonefaced…perhaps the headset was noise canceling? And have you lost a bunch of weight? You look like it. Finally, the Mrs. gave me a ration because during the rain weather delay on Sunday afternoon she saw you doing an interview then called me and begged me to have you call her on my cell. Being a complete pro, I refused. She was still pissed. We (me and Penelope) enjoy your work!
— K. Corey, East Windsor NJ

K & Penelope: (Don’t want to ignore her again!)

Oh yeah. How would you enjoy having 5,000 people in your office screaming at you while you were trying to listen to your boss on the phone and your career might depend on your reply? I will occasionally mix it up with the fans (who I adore by the way) during commercials, but I have to stay in the moment. McCord spends all of his not-inconsiderable free time dreaming up ways to catch me asleep at the mike switch. I’ve got to be ready for anything out there.

Hello Mr. Feherty, your insightful and professional commentary is always something to look forward to when tuning in to a CBS golf broadcast. However, television poorly conveys the contours of the course as well as the trajectories of the shots. What are the advantages of going to see a tournament first-hand compared to a telecast?
— Serge A, Jonquire, Quebec

Serge, you insane hoser-frog. Who are you kidding? Now that hockey is back you won’t be watching golf at all. However if you were:

No commercials for starters. The best way to see everything is to go to the tournament and get invited to, or crash, the title sponsors trophy suite. They have great food, wine, cold beer and gorgeous hostesses that fawn all over you. They’re completely enclosed and have televisions all over the place so you can watch the action all over the golf course in air-conditioned comfort with plush seating and your own private john. If you really want to see all the contours first hand, flag down a CBS employee driving his own cart and ask him to take you out to where ever you would like and wait for you so you won’t have to walk back. Tell him you’re a close buddy of McCord. Park in the CBS compound too, why don’t you? Nantz’s spot is usually available since in his new contract he gets a limo and driver everywhere. You should see what they have to put in his suite. Makes the Rolling Stones dressing room look like a cell at Rikers Island.

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