Feherty's Mailbag

Feherty’s Mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him your best question or comment. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Hey Dave, a “toast” to you on your 46th birthday (August 13):

From a wee Irish lad, a strange man he became,
First a fine golfer, now calling the game
At CBS Sports and EA Sports too
The bigshots are nervous, oh what will he do?
Will he blurt out an insult, tell an off-color joke?
Will he mention his “willy”? Of farts he once spoke
Thank God for the “kill switch” and 6-second delay
For they haven’t an inkling what David might say

He’s cunningly witty and funny as hell
But obsessed with ham sandwiches, seems troubled as well
He’s sporting a goatee, still clinging to youth?
Don’t worry old boy, ’bout getting “long in the tooth”
Sure, you may become saggy, get wrinkled old prunes,
Lose your mind and be constantly humming show tunes
But fear not, for as long as you’re sexy and silly
There are hundreds of ladies who’d love to “free willy”

Happy Birthday, David!
— Debbie Young, Toronto, Canada

Hey, that was really very good! How many Debbie Youngs are there in Toronto, because She who Must be Obeyed wants to know how much ammo to bring?

I wish I had a witty question to ask, but I don’t. Just wanted to say that I had the opportunity to meet you at the recent ‘My Queer’ Dino Ciccirelli charity scramble, and it was a pleasure. Hey, I just thought of a question. Will you be doing a book tour now that your new (heavy) book on the Ryder Cup is out? Good luck with sales on that one. I’m sure I will be seeing it at the top of the bestseller list soon.
— Rebecca Brydges

I will not be doing a book tour, largely because as you point out, the damn book is too heavy. Should it ever get near the top, the bestseller list would probably collapse under the weight.

But let me ask you something. When you met me, did my rear appear big in the slacks I had on that day? How did my chins look? Did you like my new beard? Some people there criticized me for being too self-absorbed that day. Can you believe that?

Hope you like the book, but as I said, I won’t be going on one of those book tours. I tried that before and the only thing worse than having to answer inane questions from radio talk show hosts that don’t know a thing about golf and didn’t read the book is having to sit in Barnes and Noble for four hours, sober, while three drunks who just stumbled out of the bar next door want to know if that was REALLY Tiger Woods’ girlfriend on the Internet.

I was watching The Golf Channel the other day, and they showed the highlights from the 1991 Ryder Cup. You actually won a couple matches, eh? You looked young, fit and like you knew what you were doing on the golf course. My god, man, what the hell happened?
— Zack Stevens, Shrewsbury, Mass.

That wasn’t me. The Golf Channel knew this all along. They called me for a comment on what appeared to be some kind of cloning experiment that went horribly wrong. I tried to explain that it was a different David Feherty, but they were having none of it. I’m in the process now of suing The Golf Channel for slander, liable, misrepresentation, rape, sodomy, beastiality, malfeasance, character assassination and intestinal gas. Oh, don’t you worry, they’re gonna pay, all right. When I’m through with them, they’ll wish they never HEARD of David Feherty.

Hey David, we met at Colonial. I was in a yellow hat, shirt, and navy slacks. Some friends of mine were wondering after everyone involved gets their cut (taxes, caddie, etc.) how much of the $1.2 million does Todd Hamilton put in his bank account for winning the Open Championship? Keep up the great work.
— Wes Parham, Fort Worth, Texas

Thanks Wes, I remember running away from you. Ten percent of Todd’s loot goes to his drunken bagman, about 40 percent goes to his evil agent, and the rest goes to his wife. Just like the rest of us, he gets bugger all.

At the U.S. Open at Shinnecock Hills, I noticed that players in several of the early groups on the weekend were not marking their balls before their playing partners played (from off the green). On Sunday at the sixth green, Tim Petrovic hit a shot from the greenside bunker to within 2-3 feet and made no move to mark the ball. Spike McRoy was about to putt from off the green when the USGA official came over and said something to him. At that point, McRoy said to Petrovic, “Go ahead. You’ll have to mark it.” Was there some sort of organized protest going on? What’s the scoop?
— Nick Helm, Plano, Texas

The U.S. Open was clearly an organized protest. Against the game of golf.

My buds and I just finished playing 70 holes of golf in one day. We played the TPC at Deer Run. I was wondering, what is the most golf you have ever played in a day?
— Jeff Panozzo

You idiot, you have no life. Who in their right mind would play 70 holes in a day when they could spend the time eating, drinking, sleeping and breaking wind?

I haven’t played more than 9 since 1996.

Your “I swooned at Troon” article (July 2004 issue of GOLF MAGAZINE) is perhaps one the most insightful I have ever read. It works on so many levels: humility, humor, insight, anthropological, psychological, sociological, entomological, herpetological … all right, the last two don’t count, and I’m exerting too much effort, but let me end by saying, my man, you’re not half bad.
— Ed

Whoaaaa, hold on now there, podner. Way too many logicals in there. I’m not smart enough to figure out that many angles simultaneously or even at the same time. Appreciate the credit, though. I’ll keep writing as long as you keep reading. Thanks.

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