Feherty’s mailbag

If you’ve ever wanted to send David Feherty a question or comment, here’s your chance! David is putting down his mike to answer your E-mails in his mailbag column for GOLFONLINE.

Click here to send him a question or comment. But consider yourself warned — he’s golf’s ultimate wise guy!

Who is crazier, you, McCord or Jacobsen? Seriously, what is your take on the ridiculous World Rankings? They seem to punish players who play every week or every other week. One example would be Fred Funk. Fairway Freddy never takes a week off, plays pretty consistent golf, finishes in the top 15 in the States, yet is ranked lower than lesser players in the world rankings. What gives? Wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but they use the rankings for entrance into some tournaments.
— Chad O., Dalian, China

First, I honestly believe that everyone is crazier than me, including the idiots that dreamt up the world rankings. However, they were smart enough to know that any ranking system for professional golf would never actually work properly, so they made sure it was complicated enough to repel any attempt to understand it by people like you and me. I’ve tried to figure it out several times, and it’s like a brilliant maze of irrelevant bull disguised in a cloak of idiotic statistics, all wrapped up in a program of ones and zeros that would make Bill Gates run screaming into Puget Sound. So, due to the absence of anything better, it’s perfect.

I would like to start by complimenting you on your work on television and in GOLF MAGAZINE. You bring a refreshing insight to golf matters. One of my biggest pet peeves is this “cart included” policy that is sweeping America. I am an avid, 9-handicapper who plays public courses exclusively. Many new “upscale” public courses are making golfers take a cart, or at least pay for it. I can accept this policy on the weekends, maybe. But during the week as well? What happened to the days of giving the golfer a break of $12 to $15 for choosing to walk? I have paid for the cart and then chosen to walk — I do it as a matter of principle and because I want to enjoy the course by walking the fairways. Maybe this could be a possible topic for future articles? It seems to me that the golfing public has just rolled over and accepted this. Please help spread the word that we are not happy. Thank you.
— Brian Strike, Bryn Mawr, PA

I hate carts, especially in their present form. I’m a big-car guy though, and I think we could solve the problem by tailoring local club rules to make sure that those who wished to ride completed the course in less than an hour, leaving the walkers to play real golf at their leisure. The answer is much faster carts, preferably with a small block V8, side oilers, the works. Oh, and four-speed manual transmission, so you could make it spit out unburned fuel on the downshift. Just thinking about the noise, popping and snarling like my old AC Cobra did, gives me goose bumps. If you want to walk, then walk, but at my course you wouldn’t be allowed to drive at walking pace. That’s for the grocery store in one of those wee motorized shopping thingys. Now that I come to think of it, a V8 in one of those might be fun, too.

I heard that Curtis Strange had elbow surgery. Do you know how long he will be out and maybe what his first event will be or if he plans on playing a full schedule?
— Joe, VA

Hey, that elbow injury is a bummer, and personally, I blame loneliness and Spectravision. I don’t know how long the gray one will be out, but I don’t think he’ll play a full schedule anyway, WHAT, WITH HIM BEING THE LEAD ANALYST AT ABC, YOU IDIOT!

My question concerns the wonderful Gary McCord. In one of your articles about this fine gentleman, you mentioned his footwear. How many pairs of shoes does he have and what is the strangest pair? Being a big fan of this gentleman, I have even taken to wearing facial hair similar to Mr. McCord. Being of a similar age and build, I think I have found the perfect role model.
— Mike Smith, Canberra, Australia

I find it most disturbing that anyone in the capitol of Australia even knows who McCord is, never mind the thought of him being a perfect role model. He’s not a fine gentleman, he’s a congenital idiot, and you, my friend, are one sick bastard. Never mind shoes, McCord’s entire wardrobe makes Elizabeth Taylor look like a bag lady in comparison. If you really want to be like McCord, you have to sleep in a mustache net, wax your entire body, and learn to whistle “The Sound of Music” backwards. If you ever come to live in the States, I’m moving to Tasmania.

Love you. Love what you do. That said, you did leave me scratching my head recently. In one of your columns you refer to someone calling you (might have been Sean Connery) a “git”. Being somewhat articulate, I’m familiar with a “brat”, a “nit”, and even a “wanker” but darned if I know what a what a “git” does. Or perhaps doesn’t?
— Jerry Huffman, Almaty, Kazakhstan

Love you too. A “git” is not as annoying as a wanker, but more annoying than a nit. What a git does is usually pretty much whatever he wants, but is seldom useful to anyone, except himself and other gits. Kazakhstan looks nice on the telly, kind of like Palm Springs without the golf courses. Any gits there? Tossers perhaps? Or maybe the occasional pillock. I’m sure there are, they’re everywhere.

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