David Feherty's Mailbag

David Feherty’s Mailbag

David Feherty
Michael Cohen/WireImage.com

Send David Feherty an e-mail at [email protected]

Dear Dave,
I’m a curious young guy wondering what lessons in life have you have learned from your prestigious golf career? A short list will do … I wouldn’t expect it to be long anyway. I’m sure that you have learned a lot of what-not-to-do from Mr. Poor-Excuse-For-A-Mustache McCord. — Joe

All young guy’s are curious, Joe, but I think I detected a child’s portion of sarcasm in your question when you say you wouldn’t expect to see a long list anyway. You have spunk, Joe. And as Lou Grant would say, “I hate spunk.” Herewith my list of lessons learned from my golf career:

1. Never make a bet with someone if you are the only one who has to do anything.
2. Guinness is nothing more than a beer sandwich and it’s time to quit when you pee brown.
3. The size of the check you just won is directly proportional to the size of the hammers on the woman hanging on your every word in the bar on Sunday night.
4. It’s a calumny that bartenders are authorized to perform marriages.
5. Depression is anger without the enthusiasm.
6. If you’re playing a guy from the West Coast, you can double his stated handicap; if he’s from the East Coast, halve it. For some deranged reason, this holds true in any country in the world.
7. Never jog, it’s too hard to keep the ice in your glass.

8. If you can’t fly first class, drive; except to Hawaii.
9. Clint Eastwood’s the only guy who ever looked good with a cigar in his teeth.

10. Only black guys should shave their heads.

Dear Mr. Feherty:
You are extremely crude and crass. You must have had an ugly childhood. Do you realize how many people will not let their children read GOLF Magazine because of your articles and their content? The May publication was an excellent example. —Jack McCrory

Dear Mr. McCrory:
Actually I do realize how many people won’t let their kids read my articles. You’re the only one. I doubt if a greased pin could be pulled out of your ass with a John Deere tractor. Lighten up. We’re not curing cancer here, it’s just golf, for God’s sake.

Hello David,
Can you please explain to me what the term ball striker really means? Isn’t every course a ball strikers’ course? Would you also give a few examples of ball strikers’ courses on the tour? —Doug, Lauderdale Beach, Fla.

Next time you go to a professional golf tournament, (on any tour), check out the irons in the bags of the players. You’ll soon notice that the finish on them wears where they hit the ball most of the time—and that’s usually pretty close to a lower middle location. The better the ball striker, the smaller the wear spot. Freddy Couples’ is about the size of a fountain pen’s dib. I remember some time ago a reporter asking Freddy what it felt like when he hit a shot off the center of the clubface. He looked at the guy like he was nuts and said, “Why in the hell would you hit it off center?” Ball strikers pure it almost every time.

Ball strikers’ courses tend to have smaller, more-difficult greens. On Hilton Head, Harbour Town Golf Links’ small greens make it a ball strikers’ course. Pinehurst No. 2 qualifies because the greens are crowned and the ball has to be positioned properly for the location of the pin. A good ball striker will tend to fair better on this kind of track. A good ball striker will also be better at working the ball, which is why Cory Pavin won at Shinnecock Hills in 1995.

Hi David,
I have a title for your next book, Lunatic on the Fringe. What do you think? —Al

Great idea, what’s it about? I know, how about “Lunatic on the Frog Hair” or “It Takes a Village to Raise an Idiot.”

Why do some players on the PGA Tour wear visors instead of hats? They are very un-manly and I have, thankfully, never seen Tiger wear one. Visors should only allowed on the LPGA Tour. — Mark, Big Rapids, Michigan

Some of the guys who wear visors do so because when they wear a hat that covers their head completely, they sweat like Michael Jackson in a Chucky Cheese.

That’s the reason I have always opted to wear crotchless trousers when I walk with the last group. My boys like a breeze. McCord kept telling me to use Gold Bond powder. I’ve only recently discovered that the stuff was not meant to be snorted, but rather, applied topically. When I have to break into a trot with the crotchless pants on, it looks like I’m sending smoke signals down the fairway. Kostis is losing patience with the whole thing. I don’t know. I’m going to have to work on a solution.

Mr. Feherty,
I genuinely enjoy your commentary on the golf course and anything I can read by you or about you, but I do not find your goatee flattering. You probably enjoy that it makes you look a bit devilish, but your fans prefer your more natural look! — Sue

Being in awe of my former golf talent would be understandable. Being in awe of my current golf talent would be like Billy Graham being in awe of Jimmy Swaggart’s preaching.

I find my face quite boring without something going on. And since I have the misfortune of having to look at the thing every morning, I like some landscaping to gaze upon. I tried a water feature but it kept ruining my shirts. I have given makeup some consideration though. Perhaps I’ll try a light blush with some discreet eyeliner.

Send David Feherty an e-mail at [email protected]

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