David Feherty's Mailbag

David Feherty’s Mailbag

Dear David,
With the New Year upon us will you be making any New Year’s Resolutions? I think I’m going to stop trying to figure out what’s growing on McCord’s face (owl’s nest?, desert brush?).
Best wishes now and always, John — Phoenix, AZ

While I’m not one given to serious introspection, (which I suspect is one of the causes of Chlamydia) I do perform an annual self-probing examination with a knitting needle, borrowed from She who Must be Obeyed. I follow that up with a short arm inspection from my urologist. If I pass these tests, I never make any resolutions. My theory is that strong people don’t need them, as they are already in control, and weak people shouldn’t make them because they only set themselves up for failure which creates more self-loathing. I’m depressed enough, thank you.

And “Pig Eyes” McCord is scheduled for another series of plastic surgery procedures again this year, on top of the 30 or so he’s already had. I’m not sure where he’s going with this stuff, but he carries a picture of Michael Jackson around in his man-purse. You do the math….

Dear David,
It would be real hoot to see you & McCord in the same foursome at a Champions event when you become eligible. Any chance of that happening? Thanks! — Russ

Absolutely none. To begin with, when I’m eligible, Numbnuts will be 88. Secondly, I have no intention or desire to play competitive golf ever again. My back is so fragile, I sleep standing up in styrofoam peanuts. The only turn I’ve made recently, is wine into water.

Hi David.
I truly enjoy your work and your perspective on life and the game of golf. While watching the Q-School qualifying in December, I stated to wonder how the rookies are treated when they get to the tour? Are they welcomed by the guys who are there already, or because it is so competitive, are they treated more like McCord at an Augusta National board meeting? Keep up the good work. — John

Like most things, it depends on the guy and where they are. On the course the new guys are generally respected whether they came off the Nationwide or out of “Q” school. Either way they’ve earned their place through the crucible of competition and the veterans, who were all there at one time or another, know only too well the ass clenching, soul destroying, godforsaken angst they went through to get the chance to tee it up at the big show. Off the course, the FNG’S tend to hang with each other socially. But if they run into one another, the old farts are usually happy to answer any question and give advice if anyone asks.

Dear Mr. Feherty,
I am a female golfer. I’ve been grinding away at improving my game for about 5 seasons. In those 5 seasons, I’ve heard a lot of “shouldn’t you be at home cleaning and cooking?” and “I hope you got all the laundry done before you came here to play.”. I don’t take it seriously. It’s just guys being guys in this man’s world where I’m trying to play a gentleman’s sport. I’m generally pretty witty but I can’t seem to come up with a clever retort. You’re the guru of witty responses. Might you be able to help me with a clever comeback? — Tina, Massachusetts

Well the last thing you want to do is Rosie O’Donnell them. Holy crap, if I had to choose one of them to have sex with, the Donald would be a shoo-in. I am shocked that guys from Massachusetts would act this way. You must be playing a (sniff) public course.

For the cleaning, cooking and laundry shot, you might try, “Oh, I don’t need to clean or cook; the staff handles all that for me”. Or: “Why would I cook when there are so many great restaurants around here and so many men dying to buy me dinner every night”? If you really want to scramble their brains and win all the bets, try: “Oh, I don’t have time for cleaning and cooking. I’m a sex addict and I spend every available minute looking for large portions of the old fireman’s helmet”. Then look at him like he’s an ice cream cone. I guarantee his next drive won’t go more than 10 feet.

And if none of that works, a well-placed Foot-Joy to his scrotum certainly will.

Dear Mr. Feherty,
I am trying to find out when we can expect to see “A Beastly Turn of Events: An Uncle Dickie Novel” available for purchase at our local bookseller. I have flat worn out “A Nasty Bit of Rough”; and am dying to find out what has been going on with the gang since winning the golf match up north. By now all should be healed and we must know what can be done to save the finest golf club collection in the world. — Mike S., West Lafayette, Indiana

Did someone from “Rugged Land” put you up to this? OK, OK, actually Uncle Dickie has been after me as well to get on with “A Beastly Turn of Events”. I’ve had a lot on my plate since the end of the CBS season. I’ve been working on a new cell phone directory for the Dallas area. Going door to door has been very time consuming and I’m not even close to completion. Add to that my ventriloquist lessons, (in Chinese), the self-dentistry course and designing and building that new stadium for Jerry Jones, you can see my dance card is pretty full. I’m working on it and I’m glad you stayed interested. Stay on me Mike.

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