David Feherty's Mailbag

David Feherty’s Mailbag

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If you have a question for David Feherty, e-mail him at [email protected]

Dear David,
Slow play on TV is getting absolutely ridiculous, and as much as I hate to say it, I’m starting to get interested in NASCAR! At least they go around in circles at 180 mph! — J.J. Green, Grand Island, NE

JJ:
I’ve flown over Nebraska; there’s no water there. How can there be a Grand Island? What is it, an area with no corn?

I can’t argue with you; slow play is a scourge. Funny thing, though, is that we always seem to be able to end things pretty close to 6 o’clock on Saturday and Sunday evenings. Maybe not so much on Thursday and Friday, but the people watching during the week are, demographically speaking, golf’s geldings. Having said that, NASCAR’s fans, however loyal, are a couple of notches below that bunch. Their entire net worth is stuffed in the Jack Daniels bottle back at the trailer. Golf’s biggest sponsors are Wachovia and Buick; NASCAR has a box of Tide.

Until the PGA Tour, which by the way is owned and administered by the players, decides to get tough on offenders, I’m afraid things won’t improve. Besides, it’s sometimes entertaining to watch Rory Sabbatini spiral off like a stinger missile heading for a Huey.

Dear David,
As a huge Phil Mickelson fan, I was especially glued to my TV during the CBS coverage of the Nissan Open — I mean Northern Trust Open. As always, your commentary was both brilliant and eloquent. I saw a lot of Jeff Quinney, who I feel is on his way to career victory number one this season. After a little thought, my friend and I have come up with what we think is a fitting name for the young ASU grad: Pooh Bear. Like Winnie the Pooh, but without the Winnie. I think you should consider dropping this on the air next time he plays on the weekend. — Brian The Business Karleskind

Brian:
“The Business,” huh? OK. Usually that’s the kind of thing that demands explanation, but the more I think about the possibilities, the less I want to know.

I think you’re right about Jeff being on the verge of a win. He shows a lot of promise. He’s 6 feet tall and 190 pounds, so I’m not so sure about the Pooh Bear thing. He’s does have a nice rack on him though. Maybe we could call him “Dolly” Quinney, or Quinney the Pooh?

Dear David Feherty:
For years now I have thought that Rory Sabbatini resembled a hobbit. Kind of a freaky-looking, bizarre-acting creature. I know that you and other commentators on Tour have a knack for bestowing nicknames on Tour players. If anyone could appropriately call Rory Sabbatini a hobbit, I feel it would be you. And I mean that in a good way. In any event, I just wanted to get this out there for your consideration. — Mark Aumann

Mark:
If you’re looking for a freaky-looking, bizarre-acting creature, you need look no further than Bobby Clampett. J.R.R. Tolkien modeled the Hobbits after Bobby. They met at a convention for the Terminally, Incomprehensibly, Totally Bewildered Half-Wits where Bobby was the keynote speaker. Compared to Clampett, Sabbatini is the voice of reason; a calm, sensible, reassuring dose of understated, rock-solid mother’s milk.

Besides, I’ve sort of unofficially tagged Sabbatini with “Yosemite Sam.” Since I don’t think he knows who that is, my chances of getting him to talk to me after a bad round are a lot better.

Hi David,
I would love to see you write a column about nothing but the funny golf sayings you have come up over the years. You and McCord crack me up. My favorite was when a player hit such a bad shot into the trees you said Lassie couldn’t find the ball if it was wrapped in bacon. — Tommy (The left-handed chop in Denver)

Tommy The Left Handed Chop:
I don’t want to know any more about that name. You have a good idea there, my boy. The only problem might be that McCord can neither read nor write. I basically have written everything funny that he’s ever published. And he’s never paid me a cent. So if I write a book, it’ll be by me. And by the way, just so you know, all of McCord’s lines come from somewhere else. His next original thought will be his first one.

Feherty,
Where do you party during Masters week? — Doug

Doug:
At the Home for the Perpetually Incontinent on Washington Ave. Meet me there, Doug. You sound interesting.

If you have a question for David Feherty, e-mail him at [email protected]


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