If you have ever wanted to write David Feherty a question, here’s your chance. Every month Feherty answers his mailbag on GOLFONLINE. To send him a letter or question, click here. (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).
I’m another EURO transplanted in the USA, smitten by the golf bug but incapable of playing a decent round without the idiot I am playing with coughing or otherwise distracting me. By the way, I recently saw McCord butt naked, streaking across the 10th fairway wearing nothing but a sombrero and a pair of heels, but I digress. The fool also laughs if I miss a short putt. Can one hire Uncle Dickie and his men to hide behind the pot bunker on the fourth hole at my course to beat some golf etiquette into my playing partner, the moron? — Petrovich, Boston
Welcome to the land of the free and the home of the brave; damn glad to have ya’. If this guy’s an American, you can’t stop him by showing that he’s getting to you; that’ll only encourage the bounder. The best way to cure him is to wager ridiculous amounts of money on every conceivable outcome on every hole: Longest drive, closest to the pin, longest putt, etc. When your tab gets in the several-thousand dollar range after the match, tell him you never intended to pay him and the next time he coughs, hiccups, farts or rattles his change you’ll hit him square in the nut sack with a Vokey wedge. Uncle Dickie and the boys don’t do wet work.
And that couldn’t have been McCord you saw; he wears fluffy mules with his sombrero.
What the hell is up with the picture of you on the banner of this website? You look like you’re trying to impress a lonely looking llama from across the room. — Mike, Toronto, Canada
Actually, you have a point, but hey, have you got some problem with bestiality, pal? How’d you like to spend nine straight weeks on the road with only Kostis to hang out with? Last week it got so bad, I took a chick called Bobbie Clampette to dinner.
David “F-ING” Feherty,
You seem to know a little about golf, so here goes. Is it immoral to take a few practice balls from the range? How about one of the mats? Thanks for your guidance. — Brad Titus, Carlsbad, Calif.
Brad “BLOW ME” Titus:
Hell no, it’s fine to pilfer a few balls from the range, pinch the odd mat or two, no worries. In fact, those little range pickers make great dune buggies once you get them revved up. Who told you any of that’s immoral? Illegal, yes, but immoral? No way. And just for the record, you can steal those BullsEye putters at the Miniature Golf place as well.
I am a 30-year-old staff sergeant in the US Army with three years till I get out. I have always loved golf and have finally have the ability to afford clubs and play. When I first started I was shooting 136, now I am in the 90s after only three months of playing. I want to get out of the army and play golf for living. Is this unheard of? Can I still try to go pro at this late stage of my life; I just want to make a living for once doing something I truly love. Thank you for your time. — Brian G. Burwell, SSG, U.S. Army Infantry
I’ll give you the straight skinny, as they say in the Navy, which is like the Army, but on a boat. (Don’t ask me how I know what they say in the Navy, it’s a sordid story involving inflatables). First the broad view: Sure, any thing’s possible. You could get your tour card and go on to blow by Snead’s all time tournament wins, Jack’s major record and Byron’s eleven in a row. However, the odds are similar to me becoming President of Cuba. If I were you I’d think about trying to get into golf TV production instead. The idiots I work with play all the golf they want and get to watch the good stuff close up too. I’m always glad to help out the guys who really ship the cheese around here, and you, my friend, are one of them. Thanks for your service to all of us.
When I really need to exercise my stomach muscles with a good laugh I seek out your column. When did your humor get formed and did overbearing, knuckle-whacking nuns have anything to do with it? — R. Franklin, Chicago
I have a school report that starts, “David is not a particularly intelligent boy, but he can take a punch.” The mere sight of a nun made me soil myself. My daughter and I were watching The Sound of Music only yesterday, and it happened again.