David Feherty's Mailbag

David Feherty’s Mailbag

If you want to send David Feherty a question or comment, you can send him an e-mail by clicking here (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Dear David,
During the Western Open last weekend, it was stated by a commentator that Phil Mickelson was using the course for practice for the British Open. Using different swings, wedges, etc… I find that appalling. How do you feel about a player not playing to win or be in competition?
Michelle S.

Every pro practices for the next week, whether he’s thinking about it or not. Phil thinks differently to any player I’ve known, but wherever he plays, you can be sure he’s trying to win. Every time, all the time. Sometimes he even goes at it left-handed.

Dear David,
Do you know what happens to the souvenirs that are left over after the Masters? As proud as they are of their logo I can’t see them selling them on eBay.
Ralph, Columbus, GA

After Saturday of the Masters, the merchandise tents are clean enough to do surgery.

Dear David,
I enjoy your Cobra commercials. I just saw a new one, and as a singer had to comment on your very nice singing voice. My questions: why choose a selection from the Faure Requiem (Libera me I believe)? Did you choose, or the producers?
Mark M., Salt Lake City, Utah

I am sooooo impressed that you picked this out! I chose the Faure for two reasons. One, I knew the words, two, I knew the music, and three, I can’t count. Trust me, my producer wouldn’t know the difference between the Faure Requiem and John Daly armpit-farting the Nigerian national anthem. I sang the Pie Jesu as a treble, at which time I had a voice like a bell, but sadly my aspirations to become a singer dropped with my testicles. To this day I have a great love of choral music, especially the cheery words. Here is an excerpt from the requiem mass translated into English.

I am made to tremble, and I fear,
when the desolation shall come,
and also the coming wrath.
That day, the day of wrath,
calamity, and misery,
that terrible and exceedingly bitter day.

Oh yes, haven’t we all had had a few of those? Well done on identifying this gorgeous piece of music, despite the dog’s balls I made of it.

Hi David,
What do you think about the new PGA Tour Playoffs and the FedEx Cup?
John B., Attleboro Mass.

Hey, do you own that Sloop John B. the Beach Boys recorded? Love that song.

I like it. The tour season used to wind down with a whimper. Thirty guys quietly competed for the Tour Championship then snuck out of town. No one cared, no one watched and no one ever knew who the defending champion was. I think it will be interesting to see how the players react when things tighten up in September. Ten mil is a lot of money and I for one, can’t wait to see who gags. I can hear the sphincters slamming shut already.

I’ll give the tour credit for trying to keep things interesting and fresh. It may need refinement but at least they’re not sitting around with their thumb up their ass. My only concern is for those bread and butter tournaments and their title sponsors who have sunk millions upon millions of promotional bucks into sustaining tournaments who suffered through years of weak fields, marginal support from the TOUR, rising media and staging costs all of which resulted in Herculean efforts to maintain and increase their charitable contributions year after year. I hope that the top players remember those tournaments and sponsors that supported the TOUR for so long and without whom they wouldn’t be able to ponder a format like the FedEx Cup.

Dear David,
The Women’s Open boiled down to Inkie the Elder, Hurstie La Heuva Mas Grande, Annika the Ice Queen, Prannananananan-mamma, and The Magnificent Blue Weenie-skirt. I know who the men were rooted for, but who do you think the women were rooting for? Or against? (I can’t believe the LPGA and SOME network haven’t put Weenie, Gulbis, Creamer and Pressel in a mini-skirt-outfitted par-3 shootout like the men just televised. The ratings would go through the roof.)
Jeff C.

Now just hang on a second there, Chris Berman … Men in mini-skirts competed in a televised par three tournament? And they were rooted? Sounds perverted to me. I’ve seen most of that pay-for-view stuff, but I tend to avoid the “alternate” ones. You carry on though, it doesn’t make you a bad person. I did see Fred Funk wriggle into a skirt when Annika whipped it past him, and Lumpy let me play with his breasts once, but neither did anything for me. I like the idea, though. You could call it “The Battle of the Bee-atches” or perhaps “The Thongs Wide Open”. Give Carolyn Bivens a call on it—I’ve heard she’s hiring.

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