David Feherty's Mailbag

David Feherty’s Mailbag

If you want to send David Feherty a question or comment, you can send him an e-mail by clicking here (Note: Letters may be edited for clarity and length).

Dear David,
Did Luke Donald dis’ Tiger by showing up with a red shirt on Sunday at Medinah? I mean that was worse then the infamous \”Tiger Who\” kerfuffle or whats his name saying that Tiger could be \”beat\” then getting his thong handed to him 9&8 at the World Match Play. Just a thought.—Tim G., Orange Park, FL

Tim:
On the contrary, my faithful correspondent, it was Tiger who was doing the dissing’ when he sank putt after putt with no regard whatever for poor Luke’s feelings. Luke’s mom picks out his outfits for him and lays them out by day during tournament week. Although Luke is apparently a talented artist of some note, he is completely hopeless on color marching and accessorizing. Why, I once saw him wearing white after Labor Day at a polo match in the Hamptons. He was apprehended and escorted off Long Island.

Dear David,
Why is it that the European analysts like yourself and Nick Faldo overshadow their American peers?Kathy K.

Kathy:
Ouch; myself and Faldo in the same sentence. I’m aghast, dear girl. Faldo and I may not be the biggest assholes in golf, but when the biggest asshole in golf dies, toss in Johnny Miller and Wadkins, and the four of us might be in a playoff. I don’t think it’s so much what we fuzzy foreigners say, it’s about how we say it – know what I’m saying?

Hello David,
Since you are now rich and famous and live in Texas, do you get to hang out with rich and famous Texans like ZZ Top or Dr. Phil? And does living in Texas rule you out for knighthood? Sir David has a nice ring to it.Serge, Saguenay,Canada

Serge:
You really need to get a hobby that involves actually leaving the house without your laptop. Not that I don’t appreciate the weekly enquiries but you’re starting to worry me, lad.

I prefer Rachmaninoff to ZZ Top and German shorthaired pointers to Dr. Phil. Texas has everything I like to do when I’m not working, which is most of the time, but I try not to hang around with people that think I’m a warm-up act for Wayne Newton.

I’m pretty sure a knighthood is out of the question for me. First of all, as I’m from Ulster, I’m Irish and British, and although I don’t think that precludes the Queen from putting me on the Christmas List, it sort of diminishes her appetite. Second, for years I’ve made disparaging remarks about the royal family and I suspect they don’t take kindly to that sort of thing (which is a hallmark of in-breeding).

Hello Mr. Feherty,
After Phil’s demise in the U.S. Open he has played poorly. In your opinion, how long will it take to come back and contend at a major contender again? Also is Tiger well liked by the other golfers on the PGA Tour?Mike, Citrus Springs, FL

Mike:
It will take him from now until April of ’07 to recover in time for the next major. Don’t confuse Phil’s play at Firestone with a lack of desire. He still approaches every competition with a fierce desire to win.

Off the course, Tiger is a completely different guy. When he’s competing, he’s deadly serious about his business and he looks it. But away from the game, he’s just like most guys you know: he likes a good joke, even if it’s about him; in fact, especially if it’s about him. He likes his toys and loves sharing his good fortune with his buddies. He’s well-rounded and comfortable in his own skin and yeah, he’s pretty well liked by the other players. Hell, they should like him, he’s making the idiots a fortune.

Dear David,
Tiger has won six tournaments in a row, including two majors, so I think it might be time for you to start a rumor that he’s an alien with super powers.Big Dog

Dog:
Well, let’s look at the facts, shall we? Tiger was born in December. It’s common knowledge that December has traditionally been the month when strange births take place; remember that “manger” business a while back? How about those appearances on the Mike Douglas Show? Did you notice the way he walked, with his head tilted back and his hips thrust out? Totally unnatural. And what about the swoosh? There’s a school of thought that that symbol is an antenna to the mother-ship. Did you notice it always points up? The final proof is that Tiger wouldn’t speak to Peter Kostis who, I believe may be an alien himself because he can see in extreme slow motion. Tiger was afraid Kostis would out him and he’d have to give the yacht back. Odds-on the ringleader in this whole scenario is Clampett, who is from “Nonsequitur”, one of the moons of Uranus. Coincidence??? I think not.

Well done, Dog; or is it really … GOD?

Dear David,
When Penn & Teller retire, Gary McCord and yourself should head to Las Vegas. I would pay to see you two perform as stand up comedians.Glenn, Covington,La.

Glenn:
I’m struggling with the Pen and Teller comparison. I know McCord used to be known for his magic tricks, like making his money disappear right before his first wife served the papers on him, but I don’t know as you could compare him to Penn. Or would it be Teller? Hey, if you’re implying that I somehow resemble Teller, you can kiss my Irish ass.

Truth is; we’re better separately than we are together. We play off each other when he’s in the booth and I’m down on the ground because we have different perspectives on what we’re talking about even though we looking at the same action going on. I don’t think that would work on a stage. Especially if he insists on wearing that Carmen Miranda get-up again. If a gay casino ever opens in Vegas, I might reconsider; for his sake.


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