I was thinking about who might replace PGA Tour Commish Tim Finchem if he finally snapped, took his $4 billion pension and walked out in a huff. Here are my top 10(ish) candidates
1. Snoop Dogg He’s into golf these days, and on the shizzle side he’d certainly introduce a beverage and booty cart. Maybe even a left-handed cigar bar at the turn. All therapy in the fitness trailer has a happy ending. Bad shots are hysterically funny, but oddly difficult to count. Or even remember. Wanamaker Trophy is replaced with ruby-studded pimp goblet.
2. Rush Limbaugh Three hooks in a row lead to summary execution, boosting TV ratings by more than 400 percent. Not unlike Snoop’s reign with regard to medication. Brian Gay would have to quit the Tour. Any dip in TV ratings blamed on Hillary Clinton.
3. Richard Simmons Brian Gay reinstated but Greg Norman is out—too butch. There are fines for clashing colors and poor accessorizing, and every caddie wears mesh and goes barefoot. Prize money is distributed in accordance with how hard you try, not where you finish. No cuts—that’s not nice! Saddle shoes look even fruitier. Pleated khakis out; ass-high shorts in. PGA Tour cards replaced by Deal-a-Meal Cards.
4. Hillary Clinton Michelle Wie gets a lifetime achievement award and Martha Burk replaces Ed Moorehouse as lead counsel. Barbara Streisand takes over Tour Productions and abandons first-round coverage altogether in favor of horrifying musicals. Christopher Lowell retained to work on window treatments in TPC clubhouses, and new “winner’s tax” exceeds actual earnings—though Clinton herself accepts millions as an advance on her next book, It Takes a Gated Village.
5. James Gandolfini Rocco Mediate is finally made after 20-year Tour career, and anyone who heckles DL3 becomes part of an abutment on the Garden State Parkway. Sabbatini rule lets members take out a contract to whack slow players. No one goes anywhere near the Pine Barrens to look for their ball. Steel spikes allowed only in cement Foot-Joys. Italian-American players fined for eating at Olive Garden.
6. Charles Barkley No Q-School: If the brother wants to play, let the brother play. Rules officials can be wedgied, short-sheeted or Tasered at any time. If green speeds are more than 11 on the Stimp, a backboard for the hole is deployed. Uphill putts of more than 25 feet can be blocked, and Charles Howell III is fined for being too damned skinny.
7. Rosie O’Donnell All Tour officials are fired. (Who are they to say what’s right and wrong?) Except rules official Slugger White, because he looks like that cop in the Village People. Tiger Has Two Daddies is produced by the Tour’s new publishing house, and Gary McCord finally feels comfortable enough to wear hose on the Champions Tour. Feigns crush on “cutie patootie” Adam Scott, then sends roses to Danielle Ammaccapane. “These Guys Are Good” catchphrase replaced with “Doritos Are Good.”
8. Lanny Wadkins Playing away from a flagstick is disallowed, tee times are allocated in relation to the number of shotguns a player owns and there are heavy fines for shirts not professionally laundered. The wolf game on Tuesday is worth more than the tournament, and all players must live below the Mason-Dixon line.
9. Paris Hilton No meetings before 11 a.m., and players are penalized for having their ankles less than three feet apart at address. First commissioner to offer room service, she resigns after only 125 days when she runs out of exempt players.
10. Dubya Rules disputes are settled by skeet shooting at the ranch (and rightly so) or by who can bag the biggest spotted owl. Uranium is discovered under the 17th green at TPC Sawgrass, ushering in Tour’s new mixed-use land policy. Dick Cheney takes up residence in a bunker at Pinehurst No. 2 and Arjun Atwal is strip-searched before entering all locker rooms. Disappointed that he’s not greeted as a liberator by cheering crowds of golfers. Inspects newly svelte Darren Clarke for weapons of ass destruction.
862. Ken Lay Purses immediately jump to $14,000,000 but first prizes average just $137.65.