1. Tim Herron goes on my successful brussels-sprout-and-chick-pea diet and emerges for the ’08 season looking like The Rock, only to be DQ’d from the Sony Open for deliberately changing the direction of the Hawaiian tradewinds.
2. Poised to defend his Nissan Open title, Charles Howell III mysteriously goes missing when his dog accidentally buries him in the backyard.
3. Camilo Villegas withdraws halfway through the FBR Open and the EDS Byron Nelson for “scrotal exhaustion.” Wilt Chamberlain is put on notice.
4. Gary Player again declares that the game is riddled with ‘roids, and he appears at a Champions Tour event standing 6’ 2″ tall. He says that if he’d known HGH was undetectable in his day, he would have won 26 majors, kicked sand in Tom Weiskopf’s face, and given Arnold Palmer an “atomic wedgie.”
5. Greg Norman’s yacht sinks while Tiger Woods is spearfishing nearby. Nothing to see here, move along…
6. Steelers fan Jim Furyk buys Pittsburgh. (The city, because it was half the price of the football team.)
7. Michelle Wie puts her competitive career back on track after Britney Spears adopts her. (See, all the girl needed was a little parenting.)
8. Having completely run out of all other vices, John Daly enters rehab for his addiction to women who beat the snot out of him. He soon remarries, but his new bride turns out to be a member of the Taliban — and a guy.