If you're not reading Grantland.com, the new Bill Simmons/ESPN sports site, you're missing out. The website's stable of great writers includes comedian Jeff Cesario, who has come to the hilarious conclusion that Rory McIlroy's destiny is to be more than just a great golfer — but a great fat golfer. And we're off.
Is Rory McIlroy the next Tiger Woods?
No. But he's got a shot at being the next Craig Stadler.
And I mean that as high praise. Like the Walrus, Rory's an amazing golfer with a killer, sweet swing. But you can so clearly see in the bone structure of his cherubic face and budding Celtic body that he's going to be 400 pounds by the time he's 30. He has as good a chance of being the next George Wendt as he does of being the next Tiger Woods. He'll still be a great golfer, but mark my words, he is going to pack on pounds like Kirstie Alley at a food fair in Napa Valley. Louie Anderson will be able to hide behind him. In ten years, McIlroy's belly will help Gary McCord coin the new phrase, "Swing-a-round hook."
More? Happy to help.
This is not just some irrational, untethered assessment. Look in Rory's eyes. HE WANTS FOOD. He needs something to sate him, to fill the massive void left after expending all the determination and drive it takes to win a major. When he won the U.S. Open and got the "Masters Redemption On Father's Day With Me Wee Papa In Attendance" monkey off his back, I'm fairly sure he headed for a Ruth's Chris Steak House and didn't emerge until creamed spinach was coursing through his aorta.
Cesario wraps it up with an excellent assessment of how a super-sized Rory would help the game of golf.
Here is my point: the world needs a fat golfer. A spectacularly skilled fat golfer who wins majors and jokes on the course and pulls off smoking a cigar and sucking down a martini in public and erases the dreary memory of the last rotund golfer the Empire sent over, the impeccably rod-assed Colin Montgomerie. That guy could bum out Tony Robbins. The most damning tell on Colin was that other British golfers thought he was stiff. That's like Michael Lohan calling you a bad dad.
Rory to keep on tweeting Last week, you may recall, McIlroy made news for crushing a bangers and mash buffet engaging in a high-profile Twitter spat, when he told Golf Channel announcer Jay Townsend to "shut up" in a tweet after the analyst ripped the golfer's course management on the 18th hole at the opening round at the Irish Open, where McIlroy made double-bogey. Would this incident mark the end of the open, accessible Rory McIlroy? Apparently not. Ryan Ballengee at Pro Golf talk reports that McIlroy still intends to speak his mind.
“What happened last week in Ireland with the whole Twitter thing. It was unfortunate. Just coming off the golf course after making a double-bogey. Saw a couple of comments and responded to them,” McIlroy explained.
Those remarks may have invoked criticism – some deserved, some not – but that backlash will not stop McIlroy from speaking his mind.
“It won’t stop me from tweeting or speaking my mind,” he said.
He added, “Speaking your mind creates conversation, and as long as you’re willing to accept criticism that comes along with that, then it’s fine.”
People Crashing Golf Carts Compilation Video of the Day Be careful out there, golfers.