You should have seen me out there today. I was flushing my tee shots and stiffing my irons but I couldn’t make a putt to save my life. Then on the 16th, you know, that long par-4, I nuke a drive and stuff a 7-iron to six feet, but it’s a downhill slider and I... Bored yet? You should be. Because if there’s anything duller than watching bentgrass grow, it’s listening to your friend or colleague relay the details of his or her round. The tediousness of such storytelling is so extreme that anytime you feel inclined to “treat” your buddies to a play-by-play, proper etiquette suggests that you pause and ask yourself some questions, says veteran CBS announcer and noted raconteur Gary McCord. “Did you make a hole-in-one or an albatross? Did you do anything at all even remotely out of the ordinary?” McCord says. “If so, then, okay. But otherwise, the unwritten rule is never, ever talk about yourself.”
Even in the event of a lightning-strike achievement (like, say, getting struck by lightning, which, properly conveyed, might make a decent story) any retelling of your own exploits should be brief and understated. “Be humble, because this is a dastardly game, and 99 percent of what happens out there is bad,” McCord says. “That’s another reason no one wants to hear about what you did. It’s macabre. It’s grim. It’s depressing. The vast majority of times, it isn’t happy stuff.” If you simply can’t resist the urge to share, focus your account on your partner’s play. The more mockery, the better.