Faking News: Virginia Man, 29, Bored to Death By Co-Worker’s Golf Story

October 5, 2015

ARLINGTON, Va. – A 29-year-old paralegal at the Jackson & Mosley law firm died in gruesome fashion Monday morning when he was forced to endure a colleague’s painstaking recount of a round of golf from over the weekend.

Approximately 12 minutes into the conversation, the legal worker’s face began to swell and moments later his head exploded, police said. He died immediately.

Police identified the man as John Forrester, 29, of Annandale, Va. Forrester had been working at the firm since 2009.

His colleague was identified as Justin Schivo, 42, of Fort Washington, Md. According to his coworkers, Schivo plays golf at least twice weekly and in recent months had become obsessed with tracking his performance stats.

“We suspect the victim lost interest in Schivo’s GIR percentage and Right Rough Tendency within the first 90 seconds,” said Sgt. Anthony Maccini of the Arlington Police Department. “By the fifth minute, it’s likely the victim’s eyes had glazed over. By the 10th or 11th minute, we believe he was foaming at the mouth and had lost control of his motor skills.”

Schivo, who appeared to miss all signs that he was boring Forrester to death, has been charged with second-degree manslaughter and seven counts of disturbing a coworker’s peace.

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“I didn’t even get to tell him about my par save at 11,” Schivo said as police escorted him out of the Jackson & Mosley building on Wilson Blvd.

Wendy Sellars, whose cubicle adjoins Forrester’s, told Extra Spin that this was not the first time that Schivo had forced upon Forrester “a mind-numbing, soul-crushing, hole-by-hole recap” of one of his rounds, but that this was the first time that one of Schivo’s sermons had exceeded 10 minutes.

“To be fair, Justin had just shot a career-best 93,” Sellars said. “But he just droned on and on about it. The detail with which he depicted every ‘hammered’ tee shot and ‘pured’ iron was excruciating.”

Sellars said her own face began burning when Schivo started to describe the grind on his wedges. At that point she excused herself to use the restroom, which, she said, “probably saved my life.”

Forrester is the ninth office worker in the last sixth months to die from prolonged exposure to a drawn-out golf story. Just last week a San Antonio man bled out of his ears when his coworker prattled on endlessly about the shaft flex on his new driver.

The spike in fatalities has caught the attention of national watch groups and labor organizations.

“When are golfers going to learn?” said Sheila Darrow, a spokesperson for the Workplace Injury Law and Advocacy Group. “There’s nothing wrong with a quick mention at the water cooler of the birdie you made at 18, or how much you’re loving your new putter. But beyond that, zip it already.”

Forrester is survived by his wife, Susan, and their dog, Rusty. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to United States Tennis Association.